Taking the nxt step ..

So aftr this nvrending battle w//the husband .. I said I was ready to wlk away ..

Evn if he wants to finally strt helping around the house .. evn if shits gonna strt changing .. I feel like I needa do this for myself ..

Because like I've learned .. u can't truely love ((unless it's your children of course )) until u love urself .. && loving myself .. right now .. it is just beyond impossible ..

Pre-leukemia

Living .. not an easy task at this point in time ..
Lying .. not my kinda thing .. not my game .. nothing but unfair ..

Thts all I'm doing these days .. to myself .. to Chris .. to my parents && evryone tht mattrs to me .. but I'd rathr it be tht way ..
This way I don't get treated different ..

This way .. I can hug my boys extra tight at night .. && have them remembr tht love ..

I don't evr want them to forget tht love ..
I don't evr want them to forget me ..

I'm so sick of being told tht I don't care or I don't evr open up .. if anyone were to evr actually see in my head they would eithr spontaneously combust .. or just cry ..
Because evry time I look in the mirror .. I want to smash it .. I want tht girl in the reflection to be dead .. I want tht girl in the mirror to have nvr been born .. because of u .. I hate her

My "fantasy" throughout my entire life btw if u evr read this which I'm sure u will .. was to have a close to perfect husband .. someone who would nvr call me a "cheap whore"  just because of makeup .. someone who would want to spend time w//my friends .. && become friends w//my friends .. someone who would nvr lie to me if they knew it would hurt me .. someone who would nvr hurt me on purpose .. or because of an issue they had .. someone who wouldn't hang out w//a girl I didn't like or didn't know .. someone who could help me on a daily basis in some form or fashion .. someone who doesn't just make me feel beautiful on the outside .. but on the inside too .. someone who would nvr cheat .. && someone who would randomly show up from work or w//e w//flowers or something .. just because they fealt lucky to have me ..

But I guess Thts too much to ask for ..
Yea .. I may be hard to handle .. but have u evr thought back to maybe I'm this way because of how I've been treated by u ?? Or wht I've been told by u ??
U could had helped me get ovr my issues a long time ago .. but u didn't .. u only made them worse ..
Hence why if we end .. I don't want anything from anyone .. because I'm not going to go thru tht all ovr again ..
I'm not going to go thru hurt just because u can't tell the truth or because ur a cheater ..

I'm going to work, take care of my boys, && go back to school ..

Because as of the emotional pain .. I'm numb .. for the physical pain .. it's just empty now .. as of me.feeling anything ..
Hmm .. eveything u do or say I question .. wht is there left to fight for ??
Love is unconditional .. but it's not healable once Uve done evrything in the list to tear it apart ..

I'm dying .. maybe not in one swift hit .. but slowly .. I can't even tell u about the blood transfusions because ull get mad ..
The chemo .. hah .. were not evn gonna go there

I love u thru all the stupid bullshit u put me thru .. I just don't think I have the fight in me anymore

I'm sorry ..

Forevr && always

Me

Wht to do ??

Wht do u do when your "life partner" is anything but honest ??
Wht do u do when ur "husband" slept w//a 17 year old && has let u down time aftr time of swearing they're going to change ..
Wht do u do when ur partner makes more effort to communicate w//the girl he had an affair with .. than to tlk to u

Wht do u do when u kno they smiled more && laughed more than they evr did w//u ??

Wht do u do when u hate looking in the mirror because of them ..
Wht do u do when u have no trust left .. && evryday is a constant battle ..

Wht do u do when u kno there is someone who deserves u .. && u them ..
Wht do u do when u feel like ur being failed on a daily basis ?
Or have a type of fear evrytime they pick up their phone or claim to be looking for cars ??

Wht do u do when Uve lost all hope ??
Wht would u do if u were me ??

Moving on from the past, looking at the present, && hoping for the future

I always saw my life .. different .. not the way it is now .. not w//pre-leukemia .. kids .. maybe .. married ?? No .. later yea ..

The past
He makes me remember wht it was to trust someone with everything that u are .. he makes me remember what it was like to actually smile, && remember what it's like to be myself .. what it was like to love .. because aftr him .. I stopped trusting people .. aftr him, I was never treated the same .. I was lied to, cheated on .. && some situations I won't mention in a public blog ..

I always wanted him to be around .. && I still do .. even if it only is as a friend .. because even if it would have lasted .. who's to say shit wouldn't had happened ??
I feel like I'm something with him .. even if it is just a bullshit lie .. but with him, it never was .. but because of what he did, it all as well could be .. but seems as if it isn't .. idk .. I miss him .. I always did .. because he was my first .. && he'll always have that part of me .. as I will always have tht part of him ..

The present
All I've evr been told .. is "ur an amazing woman to him .. ((the "husband")) how do u do it ??"  All I do is lie .. && smile .. u honestly have no idea .. to have what was left of ur shattered heart shattered not once or twice.. but countless times, to never have trust again .. never be appreciated .. to wonder && think every single time he picks up that phone .. to clean every single night because u have no help .. with the house .. or kids ..
Its hell .. to be a 22 year old mom .. constantly moving .. rarely resting .. && sick ..
Its not even the pre-leaukemia that gets to me, it's the treatments, its the medicines .. but I don't care what kind it is, or stage .. I'm not getting chemo .. even tho these headaches are getting worse && worse .. there's days where I feel like I can't open my eyes because of the light are killing me.. but I bite my tongue && wear sunglasses all day .. me && aiden turn it into something cool ..
My boys are my backbones .. they are my bone marrow :)
Without them I am nothing .. without them I would have never been nothing ..
They give me the strength I get everyday to smile && move forward ..

The future
The future .. Idk what it holds .. no one does .. there's no reason to jinks it .. I do for a fact kno who I want in it .. I do kno wht direction I want my life to go .. && I do kno tht I want this damn disease out .. I want it gone .. forevr .. not just for me .. but for every little kid, evry human out there ..
I kno I want to feel appreciated && loved .. to get help .. not get some stupid excuse as to why u can't play with the boys or at least pick up one piece of plastic off the floor ..

That's all for now .. it's medicine time ..
I wish u were here .. I need a hug ..
I wish u knew how I really fealt .. because trust me .. u couldn't ruin a marriage that was already ruined ..

Forevr && always,

Me

The fear tht is a possibility but is true

There it was .. little 4' 11" me sitting && waiting for the diagnosis

Dr: "your blood count is really low && you had an unnormal ct " Me: ((tht explains why the nurse doing my head scan was all of a sudden so nice to me.. she knew Wht she was seeing .. fuck .. )) so wht is that supposed to mean ?? Dr: were referring u to a neurologist .. hell be able to determine everything exactly as it is .. Me: really ?? Is it so hard to say its a possibility ?? Because yea I'm being rude but I wanna make sure I'm not misinterpreting here .. Dr: yes ma'am .. it is a possibility that its cancer but its a possibility that its also not .. it could be just a cyst Fuck .. there it was .. the 6 letter word no one ever wants to hear .. I stood up, got my stuff && said "am I done ??" Dr: " yes but u don't need to be driving .. news like this can put anyone into shock, just follow up with your Dr tomorro, hell give u the scheduled day && time .. " Me:" thanks" I wasn't gonna listen to him .. I got in my car .. && just sat there for a minute .. && cried .. think .. an empty parking lot .. a girl in a car .. no one around .. best time possible to just let it out .. Yea its only a possibility .. but by God its a scary ass possibility .. ohh .. I also was told apparently I'm having seizures while fully awake .. which explains my memory issue && sight getting worse .. I held my kids damn well tight tonight .. bathed them .. && tucked them in bed .. but honestly .. why are people such assholes aftr u finally break down && tell them wth is going on .. my entire plan was to go about my life && just ignore it .. kinda like its not there .. because cancer or not .. there's no way in hell I'd evr go thru those treatments !! If I am to be healthy .. it'll be God's doing .. not someone who says the shit will help && surprisingly it doesn't .. Anyway .. I didn't plan on telling a soul .. not my parents .. not my kids .. not my husband .. no one .. but dear God .. if I say leave me alone .. I have a lot to soak in .. just leave me the hell alone .. don't push it && make me feel like the most worthless person to walk this earth because I forgot one damn thing !! Because I mean .. I'm not like tht but 2 can play tht game .. Thts all I wanted .. was to be the only one to kno .. so far .. this is all he knows .. && I guess it'll stay tht way .. so pretty drastic .. i kno .. but Ima go do some cleaning .. I have a mind to clear G'night Thank u Tay, Ronan, && Ty baby .. I hope y'all are safe && having fun in heaven

Its not a challenge .. its my life ..

<p><i>Visited by a neighbor at the most needed time, I finally got room to vent .. </i></p>
<p><i>There's been </i><i>so much running thru my </i><i>mind .. it could drive a person insane .. </i></p>
<p><i>My dads condition, bills, finding my cuddle buddy, making sure the kids are taken care of, content && have everything they need, finding a job .. etc ..

Well while the neighbor was around, she asked me in the most serious way .. how do u do it ??
I was kinda confused .. wht r u tlking about ??

She said "ur a full time mom to 2 beautiful boys, part time mom to 3 othr kids, u maintain ur anger && depression when ur husbands around, u do the laundry, wash the dishes, feed the kids, then ur husband, u give the kids baths, clean their room, make their beds, && tuck them in at night .. u make sure he has clean socks && a lunch before he has to go to work .. u make time for everything .. but yourself .. did u evr experience being a teenager ?? Do u evr have time for just you ?? Because if u get this job .. its only going to be harder hun ..

I just kinda sat there for a minute I guess .. it fealt like forevr .. I kno .. is all I could tell her ..

She said .. "i wish I were u .. yea u let things get to u sometimes .. but I've nvr seen a mom who's so content when things can go so wrong .. your so young .. ur still a kid .. "

&& all tht ran thru my head .. is yea .. I kno .. I'm a kid with kids .. but I'd rathr it be tht way .. why ?? Because I don't wanna be one of those kids out there who thought they were truly in love with one douchebag of a guy .. I used to think I knew wht love was .. in reality .. I didn't .. I didn't kno wht true love was until I met my boys those very first times ..

Now I kno wht my dad .. && my mom fealt meeting me && my sistr .. && I wouldn't change tht for the world .. I would nvr had asked for bettr parents .. every kid goes thru a stage where they think oh they're lucky .. their parents don't give a shit .. I did a few times .. but I'm honestly glad mine gave a shit .. if they wouldn't had .. Idk where I'd be .. deff not here ..

They're my biggest inspirations .. my heroes .. just as my boys , my step daughters, && step son is .. just like Ty , Ronan, && Tay were .. they showed me, life could always be worse .. so be happy with wht u have .. because while u have life, othrs have nothing .. no shelter, mother, fathr .. literally .. nothing ..

&& knowing I'm not as big of a Christian as I used to be .. I do still believe in god .. && I do still pray daily .. pray for guidance, strength thru the hard times .. && patience .. because thts all I need besides my boys && family physically ..

So .. yes .. sometimes it is hard doing everything on ur own && feeling as if u have no freedom .. sometimes it is hard to feel like the only one who knows wht they want outta life .. && honestly it wasn't hard having to grow up so fast .. because no mattr wht .. I graduated high school .. no mattr wht .. I graduated college .. && no mattr wht .. I always have support when I needa little push to strive to get to my dream ..

My neighbors just starstruck at the life I life I live at such a young age .. but no mattr wht .. I'm always gonna thank my daddy, mommy, aiden && Jr, Shelby, Conner && maci .. because y'all are the first ones I think about in the morning when I wake up, && the last people I think about when I go to sleep .. because every day I'm thankful to have been blessed with walking angels ..

:)

Time to clean now ..

G'night readers .. sweet love from me, aiden, && Jr ..

P.s .. I'm really hoping this job will help me with my dream .. I'm really hoping tht I can get those bracelets made for Ty .. just like I promised his mama
:)

Love ya Ty .. && I really miss u darling <33

Worry hit me like a truck

Ur just laying there, you don't want to move, ur burning hot .. && idk wht to do .. ur body is fighting this temperature .. because I'm watching u sweat it off .. but dear God, wht can be wrong with u ?? You're only 3 .. how many 3 year olds complain of a headache, && don't eat ?? This isn't a stage .. this is something thts wrong .. && its scaring the shit out of me .. I'm only 22 .. ur only 3 .. u were my first true love .. I never knew wht true unconditional love was until I fealt u kick for the first time .. we have to fight whatever this is baby .. if it weren't for you && your brother, I would had moved back to California .. I would be strung out on meth all ovr again .. I wouldn't kno my purpose in life .. u helped me find myself baby .. so .. On tht note .. I'm getting off to get my baby dressed .. && take him to the e.r ... Ill inform everyone who does read of whts going on .. I love u babies ..

I am your art canvas

Today, aftr finally figuring out tht aidens fevr just isn't gonna go away, I let him do whtevr his little heart wanted to today .. so today, I was the human canvas .. :)

I'm still covered in all ur little art drawings .. a spiderweb to represent Spiderman, ur super aiden symbol on your back, your favorite kinda star, we evn got abi ((abuella aka grandma in Spanish)) a matching star just like yours .. I still have ur heart && all your little scribbles on my legs && arms .. I wish I could keep them forevr ..

I love u babies .. I gotta go for now

Pretty sure that you will never grow up

I'm pretty sick of being the ((wht it seems like)) only hopeless romantic out there .. the only one who writes things bettr than they can be said ..

I shoulda been a song writer
Or a poet ..
I'm sick of people who won't participate in their own kids lives, && calls me a bad mothr for not busting his ass && saying I let him get away with everything .. no .. I have a limit .. but the kids THREE FUCKING YEARS OLD !!!!! I'm not gonna bust his ass for an accident .. my God !! "Gd sofii u let him color on walls !!" Yea && I colored with them .. U wanna thro a fit ?? U wanna call me a shitty mother ?? Ull learn from ur fucking mistake !! I mean I kno u think I'm stupid !! But how many times have I proved otherwise ?? How many times in this reallationSHIT have u fucked up !!!!???!!! But I was the ignorant one for sticking around .. I'm not wasting my time anymore .. I'm not gonna stick to someone who's NEVER going to grow up .. Ull see one day when someone treats u the EXACT same way you've treated me .. && no to those who are reading .. I'm not complaining .. I'm taking a step up .. because I kno This isn't how it should be .. Me && my boys deserve bettr than this shit !! Times a million Gotta go .. I have cleaning to get my mind off shit to do I love u babies .. sleep tight .. sweet dreams .. I love you .. forevr && always <33

U can call it heated .. ill say I'm BEYOND PISSED !!!!

WTF HAS SOCIETY COME TO !!!???!!!

Really !!??!! Animal abuse has more funding than childhood cancer in the state of tn !!!!! Wtf !!!! I'm ready to climb onto my roof && scream at the top of my damn lungs !!!!!!! Altho it won't help much knowing I live in the sticks ..

My God people !! Wtf is your problem !! Ur telling me ur rather save a dog or cat that the world is over populated with anyway .. than a KID ?? IT MAY NOT BE YOUR CHILD .. as I was corrected today .. BUT ITS ANOTHER FAMILIES CHILD !! WTF !!!!!!

This world is pathetic !! U see a dog on the side of the road && drive right by .. but if they show u a few sad pictures of peoples animals that abused or neglected them u jump right on it ?? Right aftr seeing a commercial on St. Judes ??

Someone won't call for St. Judes but they'll call for a dog .. wow .. the human race is declining rapidly .. && honestly its making me SICK !! I literally sat with a friend balling my eyes out to the St. Judes commercial with her just sitting there .. she looked at me && said "u are ovr emotional" I looked at her && she knew she fucked up .. I said "excuse me ??!!??" She said my bad .. && kept on about her "horrible life" .. nxt came on a commercial about donating for abused && neglected animals .. she got on the internet .. gave them her credit card number .. && said "im a good person"  .. I looked at her && told her as nicely as I could to get the Fuck out of my house .. she thought i was kidding apparently .. because she laughed .. I stood up .. opened the door .. && told her to get out .. she asked "really ?? Just because I didn't donate to some sick kids ??"  "No .. because u think its a scam .. u think kids aren't dying every day because of this bullshit !! Because this is all a joke to u !! U don't kno wht a fucking horrible life is !! Ur nothing but an ignorant selfish bitch " .. she said " wow .. no I'm not the bitch .. u are " && walked out .. && added whole driving off "delete my number u stupid c***" .. I laughed .. DONE && DONE !! BTW UVE GOTTA LOT OF GROWING UP TO DO !! && came in .. here I am .. not evn 15 minutes latr && she's already telling her friends I'm selfish ..

I'm so ready to hit someone .. I wish I didn't live in the boonies where there's nothing but alcoholics && druggies out there .. I need some fresh air .. my hearts racing .. my bloods boiling .. dear Lord give me strength ..

Ima go cuddle with my sleeping babies .. all 4 of them .. they deserve tht ..

I hope tomorrows not cold .. I wanna take my kids to the park to jump in some leaves ..
They deserve to have an amazing day ..

G'night dollies who do read this .. its time to clean a bit && cuddle my babies <3

Watching you dream

Every night I walk in your room .. && realize how fucking lucky I am
To even have a chance to watch you both breath ..
To tuck u both in for the millionth time && just lay my head on both of ur chests .. && hear your little heart beats

With that said .. altho ur sound asleep in dream land .. ill cuddle up with y'all tonight .. && just soak up tht I have you both in my life

Thank you for saving me babies
If weren't for you both, I'd provably still be some little strung out druggie in California not caring about a thing in the world && complaining about everything possible .. when I finally know .. you don't have a right to complain .. until your losing your child .. until your watching your child's life be drained day by day

I love u Aiden Thomas Alexander Brewington
I love you Christopher Dewayne Brewington Jr

&& babies .. its just us against the world forever more

Goodnight darlings
Luhh u .. && sweet dreams

True devotional unconditional love

Love .. something tht doesn't exist anymore .. because sex got easier, love got harder .. when I say "hopeless romantic" people look at me like I'm crazy .. no one knows love anymore .. love is life .. not music .. love

No one knows true devotional unconditional love, like a mother ..

Ronan && Ty .. u both made me realize tht life is too short .. too short .. && unexpected ..

I don't care wht my kids do .. I'm always going to love my boys ..
I can't get mad at them like I used to before those angels ..

They saved me .. they saved my outlook on life ..

Its us against the world was my saying before it became a way to get people in bed ..

Its wht I say to my boys every night as I tuck them in .. its us against the world ..

&& forevr it will be us against the world ..

People make me sick .. its pathetic that my 3 year old has better manners than most boys do ..

My son holds the door opened for me, he kisses my hand, says yes ma'am .. etc ..

I love my kids .. they are my life .. idk where I'd be without them

So watching the recorded Katie Couric show today .. broke my heart all over again
Because not a day goes by where I don't think of you ro baby .. not a day goes by that I don't think of u Ty

I love u both
To the moon && back

For now, I gotta go .. I have a lot of unraveling to do ..

More blogging latr .. I have a feeling it'll be much needed

"Why did u do tht ??"

Still sitting at the er .. 4 hours later .. there was this baby down the hall , something was wrong with him .. he wasn't eating or drinking anything .. && boy oh boy was he crying .. I walked out of my dark little room, && walked right up to his door .. && knocked .. the woman said come in so I did .. I had a blue packet of fruit snacks in my back pocket .. I kneeled down to him && said hey. . I hear ur hurting .. he nodded .. && pointed at his hand .. he had an I.v drip giving him liquids .. I said ouch, tht looks like it hurts .. does it ?? He nodded again && tears started to fill his eyes .. I looked at him && said u must be a super hero .. he looked at me like wht ?? He nodded his head no .. I said well why not ?? I kno I can't be as brave as u are being right now .. I don't even think superman is this brave ..

He said I like tor .. tor is ny favorite .. I like his hammer, have one at home

I said ohhhhh well I guess ur stronger than Thor then .. cause not even Thor could be this awesome .. I asked him if he wanted the candy I had he said yes && I walked out && said .. keep being strong .. I wish i was as strong as u .. He smiled && said thank u .. His mom I guess is who she was ran out && asked me .. why did u do that ?? Why were u nice to my son, u don't kno him .. is it because u had to be ?? Are u a nurse here ?? I looked at her && slightly took offense " I'm not nice because I have to be .. I'm nice because I want to be .. I kno wht its like to see your child hurt && u feel helpless .. its just what I do .. " She had this look on her face like I had hit her with a cinder block .. Thank u .. there aren't enough people out there like u .. I wish there was more .. In the little boys room all I could hear was him talking to someone on the phone "yea she said I was stronger than Thor !!!! Am I ?? I got candy too !! I no scared no more !! Ima big boy, Ima super hero " Tht little boy made my day .. tht little boy made me wanna take mine home && bathe them in nothing but hugs && kisses until they're annoyed .. I miss my boys .. I can't wait to get outta this hospital ..

Sitting, waiting, && hoping ..

Well here I am, the Dr .. is it weird to hate being here .. but to want to be a Dr ?? Idk doesn't make sense in this head of mine .. but a lot of things have been going on for the past year to kinda bring up some questions .. like why is it an empty EMPTY bottle of shampoo can fall on my foot && instantly bruise ?? Why is it I'm not stressed, but my hair is falling out by the clumps .. why are my anxiety attacks getting worse ?? Nothings going on .. why did I have a seizure ??

So many questions .. so many possibilities .. hence the visit to the Dr ..

Ima do my best to get enough money to get a laptop .. because I'm sure it would be a hell of a lot easier than typing on this phone lol

I can't seem to get Ty or ro out of my head today .. it kinda seems like they're trying to give me ideas to help raise money for this bullshit of a monster that lives inside some kids ..

Like a candy sale, the balloon release yard sale .. selling some stuff on craigslist .. etc .. my son doesn't understand tht Ty is gone .. so everytime he asks if Ty can play yet .. I tell him yea tys better .. but he's sleeping .. he just looks at me && laughs .. "he not better if he seepin mama lol silly goose"

It breaks me every time .. how do u explain to a 3 year old tht his favorite person that he never got to meet is gone ??

Anyway, its almost my bday .. 2 days away ..
Ill be 22 ..

All I want for my bday .. is for people to kno about Ty && Ronan .. thts all I want .. is tht too much to ask ?? Like is it in any way selfish ?? I've never been one to ask for anything for my bday .. I always told people I didn't want anything but their company .. because tht was all I needed .. && it really is .. this year .. I just want my kids .. to hold them && love on them .. hmm .. because of Ty && ro baby .. I see my kids thru an entire different light .. they're beautiful .. amazing .. I shouldn't have had them .. literally .. the way my body developed , I wasn't supposed to carry kids .. so my 2 .. are miracles .. my two are all I need to push me in life .. because my 2 are my life .. i gotta go for now tho .. seems as if I'm in my own little world even tho the nurse has been calling me for 2 minutes ..

Thank u for reading ..

Tonights been pretty emotional

After knowing about tay, reading about Ronan && now sweet little Ty .. knowing there are hundreds more out there with this monster inside them is tearing me apart .. because I don't know what I would do if my boys left my side .. my heart breaks at the thought of losing either one of them ..

I'm going to do something about this .. I have to .. I wish I had a laptop right now .. it would probably make typing && ranting a lot easier

It would be easier to post how I really feel .. it would be easier to let people know what's really going on in this world && how the government && society is trying to keep this hush hush because they don't want you or anyone to know what these treatments really do to kids .. how it slowly destroys them && takes away their lives .. their abilities to walk .. their abilities to be kids

Damn .. I have tears in my eyes just thinking about this .. this is our time .. this is our time to speak for all those innocent babies && kids who can't anymore .. for all the grieving mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers , aunts uncles && grandparents .. for all those babies who will never get the chance to meet their big brothers or sisters ..

Now is our time

So plz .. stand up to cancer

Better than that
Stand up to childhood cancer

.. Trust Issues ..

Without trust, what is there truely ??
Without trust, there is nothing ..
WIthout trust, love isnt love ..
WIthout trust, there is hidden pain ..
Without trust, there is no true happiness ..
Without trust, what is there ??
Without trust, you slowly give up ..
Without trust, you slowly lose hope ..
Without trust, you slowly fade away ..
Without trust, your no longer the person you used to be ..
The person who was always happy, no matter the weather ..
No matter what, you were the person who was everyones backbone ..
No matter what, you could turn someones broken day, into a bright new shiny one ..

But because trust was broken, your broken,
Because without trust, you no longer see the world as you once did,
As a bright shiny new day, that no matter what there would be a good thing that came out of that day,
You now just wait for disappointment && heartbreak ..
You await the lies, && the hurt,
because thats what you expect ..
Because thats what you were given

So honestly, without trust, && without an opposite wanting or even trying to regain that "trust"
what is there left ??
not a realationship, not lust, not love,
without trust,
there is nothing.