There it was .. little 4' 11" me sitting && waiting for the diagnosis
Dr: "your blood count is really low && you had an unnormal ct " Me: ((tht explains why the nurse doing my head scan was all of a sudden so nice to me.. she knew Wht she was seeing .. fuck .. )) so wht is that supposed to mean ?? Dr: were referring u to a neurologist .. hell be able to determine everything exactly as it is .. Me: really ?? Is it so hard to say its a possibility ?? Because yea I'm being rude but I wanna make sure I'm not misinterpreting here .. Dr: yes ma'am .. it is a possibility that its cancer but its a possibility that its also not .. it could be just a cyst Fuck .. there it was .. the 6 letter word no one ever wants to hear .. I stood up, got my stuff && said "am I done ??" Dr: " yes but u don't need to be driving .. news like this can put anyone into shock, just follow up with your Dr tomorro, hell give u the scheduled day && time .. " Me:" thanks" I wasn't gonna listen to him .. I got in my car .. && just sat there for a minute .. && cried .. think .. an empty parking lot .. a girl in a car .. no one around .. best time possible to just let it out .. Yea its only a possibility .. but by God its a scary ass possibility .. ohh .. I also was told apparently I'm having seizures while fully awake .. which explains my memory issue && sight getting worse .. I held my kids damn well tight tonight .. bathed them .. && tucked them in bed .. but honestly .. why are people such assholes aftr u finally break down && tell them wth is going on .. my entire plan was to go about my life && just ignore it .. kinda like its not there .. because cancer or not .. there's no way in hell I'd evr go thru those treatments !! If I am to be healthy .. it'll be God's doing .. not someone who says the shit will help && surprisingly it doesn't .. Anyway .. I didn't plan on telling a soul .. not my parents .. not my kids .. not my husband .. no one .. but dear God .. if I say leave me alone .. I have a lot to soak in .. just leave me the hell alone .. don't push it && make me feel like the most worthless person to walk this earth because I forgot one damn thing !! Because I mean .. I'm not like tht but 2 can play tht game .. Thts all I wanted .. was to be the only one to kno .. so far .. this is all he knows .. && I guess it'll stay tht way .. so pretty drastic .. i kno .. but Ima go do some cleaning .. I have a mind to clear G'night Thank u Tay, Ronan, && Ty baby .. I hope y'all are safe && having fun in heaven
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