Moving on from the past, looking at the present, && hoping for the future

I always saw my life .. different .. not the way it is now .. not w//pre-leukemia .. kids .. maybe .. married ?? No .. later yea ..

The past
He makes me remember wht it was to trust someone with everything that u are .. he makes me remember what it was like to actually smile, && remember what it's like to be myself .. what it was like to love .. because aftr him .. I stopped trusting people .. aftr him, I was never treated the same .. I was lied to, cheated on .. && some situations I won't mention in a public blog ..

I always wanted him to be around .. && I still do .. even if it only is as a friend .. because even if it would have lasted .. who's to say shit wouldn't had happened ??
I feel like I'm something with him .. even if it is just a bullshit lie .. but with him, it never was .. but because of what he did, it all as well could be .. but seems as if it isn't .. idk .. I miss him .. I always did .. because he was my first .. && he'll always have that part of me .. as I will always have tht part of him ..

The present
All I've evr been told .. is "ur an amazing woman to him .. ((the "husband")) how do u do it ??"  All I do is lie .. && smile .. u honestly have no idea .. to have what was left of ur shattered heart shattered not once or twice.. but countless times, to never have trust again .. never be appreciated .. to wonder && think every single time he picks up that phone .. to clean every single night because u have no help .. with the house .. or kids ..
Its hell .. to be a 22 year old mom .. constantly moving .. rarely resting .. && sick ..
Its not even the pre-leaukemia that gets to me, it's the treatments, its the medicines .. but I don't care what kind it is, or stage .. I'm not getting chemo .. even tho these headaches are getting worse && worse .. there's days where I feel like I can't open my eyes because of the light are killing me.. but I bite my tongue && wear sunglasses all day .. me && aiden turn it into something cool ..
My boys are my backbones .. they are my bone marrow :)
Without them I am nothing .. without them I would have never been nothing ..
They give me the strength I get everyday to smile && move forward ..

The future
The future .. Idk what it holds .. no one does .. there's no reason to jinks it .. I do for a fact kno who I want in it .. I do kno wht direction I want my life to go .. && I do kno tht I want this damn disease out .. I want it gone .. forevr .. not just for me .. but for every little kid, evry human out there ..
I kno I want to feel appreciated && loved .. to get help .. not get some stupid excuse as to why u can't play with the boys or at least pick up one piece of plastic off the floor ..

That's all for now .. it's medicine time ..
I wish u were here .. I need a hug ..
I wish u knew how I really fealt .. because trust me .. u couldn't ruin a marriage that was already ruined ..

Forevr && always,

Me