Pre-leukemia

Living .. not an easy task at this point in time ..
Lying .. not my kinda thing .. not my game .. nothing but unfair ..

Thts all I'm doing these days .. to myself .. to Chris .. to my parents && evryone tht mattrs to me .. but I'd rathr it be tht way ..
This way I don't get treated different ..

This way .. I can hug my boys extra tight at night .. && have them remembr tht love ..

I don't evr want them to forget tht love ..
I don't evr want them to forget me ..

I'm so sick of being told tht I don't care or I don't evr open up .. if anyone were to evr actually see in my head they would eithr spontaneously combust .. or just cry ..
Because evry time I look in the mirror .. I want to smash it .. I want tht girl in the reflection to be dead .. I want tht girl in the mirror to have nvr been born .. because of u .. I hate her

My "fantasy" throughout my entire life btw if u evr read this which I'm sure u will .. was to have a close to perfect husband .. someone who would nvr call me a "cheap whore"  just because of makeup .. someone who would want to spend time w//my friends .. && become friends w//my friends .. someone who would nvr lie to me if they knew it would hurt me .. someone who would nvr hurt me on purpose .. or because of an issue they had .. someone who wouldn't hang out w//a girl I didn't like or didn't know .. someone who could help me on a daily basis in some form or fashion .. someone who doesn't just make me feel beautiful on the outside .. but on the inside too .. someone who would nvr cheat .. && someone who would randomly show up from work or w//e w//flowers or something .. just because they fealt lucky to have me ..

But I guess Thts too much to ask for ..
Yea .. I may be hard to handle .. but have u evr thought back to maybe I'm this way because of how I've been treated by u ?? Or wht I've been told by u ??
U could had helped me get ovr my issues a long time ago .. but u didn't .. u only made them worse ..
Hence why if we end .. I don't want anything from anyone .. because I'm not going to go thru tht all ovr again ..
I'm not going to go thru hurt just because u can't tell the truth or because ur a cheater ..

I'm going to work, take care of my boys, && go back to school ..

Because as of the emotional pain .. I'm numb .. for the physical pain .. it's just empty now .. as of me.feeling anything ..
Hmm .. eveything u do or say I question .. wht is there left to fight for ??
Love is unconditional .. but it's not healable once Uve done evrything in the list to tear it apart ..

I'm dying .. maybe not in one swift hit .. but slowly .. I can't even tell u about the blood transfusions because ull get mad ..
The chemo .. hah .. were not evn gonna go there

I love u thru all the stupid bullshit u put me thru .. I just don't think I have the fight in me anymore

I'm sorry ..

Forevr && always

Me