Sitting, waiting, && hoping ..

Well here I am, the Dr .. is it weird to hate being here .. but to want to be a Dr ?? Idk doesn't make sense in this head of mine .. but a lot of things have been going on for the past year to kinda bring up some questions .. like why is it an empty EMPTY bottle of shampoo can fall on my foot && instantly bruise ?? Why is it I'm not stressed, but my hair is falling out by the clumps .. why are my anxiety attacks getting worse ?? Nothings going on .. why did I have a seizure ??

So many questions .. so many possibilities .. hence the visit to the Dr ..

Ima do my best to get enough money to get a laptop .. because I'm sure it would be a hell of a lot easier than typing on this phone lol

I can't seem to get Ty or ro out of my head today .. it kinda seems like they're trying to give me ideas to help raise money for this bullshit of a monster that lives inside some kids ..

Like a candy sale, the balloon release yard sale .. selling some stuff on craigslist .. etc .. my son doesn't understand tht Ty is gone .. so everytime he asks if Ty can play yet .. I tell him yea tys better .. but he's sleeping .. he just looks at me && laughs .. "he not better if he seepin mama lol silly goose"

It breaks me every time .. how do u explain to a 3 year old tht his favorite person that he never got to meet is gone ??

Anyway, its almost my bday .. 2 days away ..
Ill be 22 ..

All I want for my bday .. is for people to kno about Ty && Ronan .. thts all I want .. is tht too much to ask ?? Like is it in any way selfish ?? I've never been one to ask for anything for my bday .. I always told people I didn't want anything but their company .. because tht was all I needed .. && it really is .. this year .. I just want my kids .. to hold them && love on them .. hmm .. because of Ty && ro baby .. I see my kids thru an entire different light .. they're beautiful .. amazing .. I shouldn't have had them .. literally .. the way my body developed , I wasn't supposed to carry kids .. so my 2 .. are miracles .. my two are all I need to push me in life .. because my 2 are my life .. i gotta go for now tho .. seems as if I'm in my own little world even tho the nurse has been calling me for 2 minutes ..

Thank u for reading ..