Pathetic, immature, && sad.

When your "baby daddy" is trying to start shit, I.e rumors that are beyond true, what can you do?

Laugh. Because when it comes down to it, who has court records? Who has all the police reports, && pictures of what you were doing? Who has pictures printed off of all the lies? Me. Why? Because I'm not going to let you think you can turn any && everyone against me. Just because you cant admit that you were wrong, doesn't meant I wont.

Here's the difference between me && you, besides the fact that I have two full time jobs, && I'm a full time mom who isn't struggling because your failing at paying child support, the huge difference here, is I'm an adult. I've had enough respect to not talk shit about you. Regardless of whom I was talking to. But I guess you just love the way my name tastes hmm?

Its wonderful knowing that you love taking time out of your oh so busy schedule, to continue to talk about me. Haters gonna hate. Or is it the fact that your jealous?

Jealous that I fell out of love with you?

Jealous that I can actually talk to someone about my friends && them not get mad over it.

Jealous that I'm successful without you around?

Whichever reason it may be, honey talk all the shit you want, all your lies, are in a book.

That way, if anyone wants to doubt me, all I have to do is pull that pretty little photo album out.

A letter stating where I went wrong, && all this shit talking your doing.

Because documents are more believable than someone who's pissed.

 

Just remember, at the end of the day, who was it who wanted me back after they got outta jail?

Who was it who cried because I said no?

&& what was that reason?

We're too toxic for each other.

 

Talk all the shit you want darlin'

do whatever helps you sleep at night.

But something you should learn, is respect. Especially when you have no room to talk when it comes to the entire "slut" issue.

 

Have a nice day sunshine. Because I know you'll read this. You ALWAYS do ;)

This was when we were together, just figured I'd remind you. ;)

This feeling of terror, just wont go away ..

What do you do when one of the most important people in your life, are hanging by a thread?

what do you do when you have to stay strong, just to keep everyone else going?

What do you do when you feel absolutely helpless?

Because there is nothing you can do while your father, is lying in a hospital bed, hoping && praying that he will wake up in the morning.

What do you do in that point in time?

I cant hold his hand && say that everything is ok,

visiting hours are over.

What do you do when you see your mother crying on the stairs, because shes so scared he wont come back home.

What do you do?

Writing? What is it going to do?

At this point in time, not really much of anything, except maybe lighten my load a tad.

 

The amount of emotions I'm going through, I cant even begin to describe.

Family is family. No matter what.

Family isn't always blood.

 

Helpless. That's the only emotion I can clearly explain.

Because I cant take his pain, I cant take his suffering.

I cant take the tears my mother has cried away, because I don't know how.

I cant take this fear away from my sister, because I'm experiencing it as well.

From the point to when I woke up, to now.

The fear of your father not coming back home.

The fear of your children's grandfather, never taking a step through the front door again.

This fear, is the main emotion.

Its not like I can get a hold of him, he didn't want his phone.

He wanted nothing, but to collect his thoughts, && process everything that is going on.

If this man doesn't come back home, my life, will fall apart.

We've had our spats, every family does, but in the end, we both apologized, && forgave each other.

 

We're a family, always have been && always will be.

 

I honestly have no idea where I was going with this post. I felt like if I tried to talk about it, it would help.

I was once again, wrong.

Because you cant talk about a feeling that you don't understand.

 

I'm done.

 

All I can do is pray that one of the main men in my life, comes back home.

Safely, && better than he was these past few weeks.

 

Good night world. I'm going to clean, or read, in hopes that something will distract me from this thing we call life.

 

 



I'm at this stage ...

I'm at this stage in my life, where everything is just kind of, duh.

Not necessarily duh, per say, but its hard to describe.

Everyone looks at the things I've done in my life, && calls me stupid.

Like I have no reason to sit here && have to apologize nor explain why I did what I did.

its my life, my lessons, my heart, my soul, my story.

I've managed to beat cancer, something my dr was sure of that was going to kill me, but here I am today. I'm going to live everything to the fullest.

well maybe not the fullest, its kind of hard to do that with three jobs && being a newly single mom all over again. 

But its like, "yeah I'm eating a salad at 1 a.m.! why the fuck not?"

or

"yeah I'm doing laundry at 1 a.m.! why the hell not?"

my life.

Was all the tears && shit I dealt with worth it?

to me, no.

but to my kids, id do it all over again. all because they were happy.

I thought I had everything under control, but once again, due to alcohol, another relationship ruined.

There's certain things in life, that cant be fixed, && one of those main things, are people.

They don't change until they want to change.

Once they see how they tore your world apart, maybe then, there is that hope.

But then again, maybe in the back of their minds, they think they can get away with it,

because they did it so many times before.

Idk.

idk how peoples minds work anymore,

idc to know how peoples minds work anymore. I just know I'm running off of two hours of sleep, && I have to leave for work in 3 hours.  

This shit is going to kill me, && with the kids starting school in a week, lets get ready for that.

When someone disappears out of your life, you have to take it as a lesson,

stop trying to chase that person, no matter how much you love or care about them,

if they wanted what they said originally, everything would had been different.

&& yes, that goes for two sides.

Yes I see where I could had been different, or come around to certain topics

with more caution. But would that honestly had helped?

All I can do is wonder now.

There's always three sides to the story.

Mine, has started over.

I didn't want it, nor expect it to. I expected to be able to prove everyone wrong once again.

But fuck!

I figured, yup, I kicked cancers ass, maybe I can do this with one hand tied behind my back.

Hell no, I failed miserably.

&& where is he? Nowhere to be found once again.

There comes a certain time in your adult life, when all you want, is just to be mutual, && that's it.

Because at this point, that's all you can have, or be.

Maybe I'm wrong. Idk.

I'm learning as I go.

I still have a long way to go.

 

But for now, time to unload laundry && get ready for this next work day.

One day, when we're far away from here,

it'll all be worth it.

 

Three against the world.

Forever.



Walking away from it all

Getting that text && sending my scheduled message i had wrote, maybe 6 hours prior to the decision, broke me. Because my message was to be sent this morning. He made his decision tonight. idk how to come about this. Because although i wrote him telling him to pick her, && hes walking away from it all, makes me wonder, can he not decide whom he truly wants?

im broken, sitting here, drinking, crying. theres nothing left to do.
because in the morning i get to explain to a 5 && 4 year old, that mommy && daddy arent together again. That its all over again. That mommy is done with all of this. 

I cant do this, not again. Not after seeing what I did && how i destroyed him. I'm gone. because the girl that once cared, is going to no longer care.

 

**Song for the night**

Sia- Big girls cry

Tough girl
In the fast lane
No time for love
No time for hate
No drama, no time
For games
Tough girl
Whose soul aches

I'm at home
On my own
Check my phone
Nothing, though
Act busy
Order in
Pay TV
It's agony

I may cry, ruining my makeup
Wash away all the things you've taken
I don't care if I don't look pretty
Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking
Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking
Big girls cry when their heart is breaking

Tough girl
I'm in pain
It's lonely at the top
Blackouts and airplanes
I still pour you a glass of champagne
I'm a tough girl
Whose soul aches

I'm at home
On my own
Check my phone
Nothing, though
Act busy
Order in
Pay TV
It's agony

I may cry, ruining my makeup
Wash away all the things you've taken
I don't care if I don't look pretty
Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking
Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking
Big girls cry when their heart is breaking

 https://youtu.be/_735b_urAw4

Alcohol && being broken

Sitting here. in the dark at this point, watching this little line blink.

My hearts been broken all over again.  Im not living like I was 4 years ago. I shouldnt have to wait a week to figure out you truly love her. You dont love me anymore. that stopped forever ago.&& i see it now. I thought that when we were together, you would brag about me like you did her. saying you missed me, or stating that we were indeed together.
but now i see, i'll never be that girl for you anymore.

I'll let the alcohol replace what you stole. What she stole.

because in the end, this is all i have left, a broken heart, memories, alcohol, && broken promises.

I cant chase someone who messed around with someone else. I cant fight for someone who should had let go at the mere sight of her lies, && most importantly, i cant fight for someone who doesnt want to understand the pain. Because I know ive put you through it. Without the exception of sleeping with anyone else but you. 

You know that pain all too well. && since my world fell apart seeing the proof she sent me, I'll just let my world fall apart with alcohol && music. 

Thank you for making me believe I was something. But now I can see the truth, i'll never be good enough. I'll never be her. 

i'll never be your happy ending.



“Do you ever feel that everything is just too much, and you simply cannot deal with it anymore? Nothing is wrong - not really, but somehow nothing feels right either. You think you’re okay but then it’s gone one in the morning, and you’re awake, and thinking yourself into places you should never be, and it seems ridiculous that things could ever get better, because you’re too far gone now, to ever go back.”

 

You cant keep looking back.

I know what its like to constantly wonder. I know what its like to miss someone. I've been there && honestly its a road I never want to go down again.
But u can't fall out of love by turning to try to love someone else. I would know. Its also a road I've been down.

I know he'll read this, because he always does. && maybe it isnt to see how I personally am doing. I feel like now he could care less && thats fine. Maybe thats how it should be. Maybe thats how it was meant to be. Because sometimes people have feelings, love for each other, but sometimes they arent meant to be. && sometimes there is no explanation as to why life is that way, but it is what it is. && im not the one to run to for explanations.

I honestly dont know why hed come back here to read any of it. && i honestly dont know why im writing this hoping that he would. Maybe its for clarity, for a cleaner conscience.

To get things off my chest.

I knew i was in the wrong for doing what i was to begin with. Pushing him away, I could had been a little more, a lot more subtle about it. But i wanted his heart to hate me like my heart hated his half the time. && even then, I know now, it wasnt that my heart hated him, i hated what he did to me, how i felt, && what i became. going thru what i am now, i know he did all he could to make up for everything he did, but us being together, made him whatever he is today, which i hope is wiser, && made me what i am today, which is better.

Better for the time i have left. 

When I saw that he moved on, physically saw him && his girl out, it hurt like i knew it would, but it wasnt because of the reasons i thought it would be. I wanted to be the reason he smiled like that. I wanted our family to be complete. But i think at this point, we both knew it couldnt happen. We were both too far damaged. Him in his own hell, && me in mine. I smiled to watch him smile && laugh, it just hurts knowing he tells her all the same things he used to tell me. Im sure its like that with all the females who watch their loves move on. 

&& its that reason when i met mine, that there isnt one thing i tell him that i ever told the first. && with mine, everything is so different, he see's how damaged i am, he knows all i did to my previous, && all my previous did to me. There isnt anything thats been hidden, && when i say nothing i literally mean nothing.

He was the one who comforteded me when i saw my ex, he was the one i told everything to && how i felt, && not once was he hurt, or mad, he understood. He isnt jealous of my ex, because he knows, if thats what i wanted, i wouldnt had hurt or pushed him away. He managed to understand why i did it before i did. It wasnt the fact that i didnt want it to work, it wasnt the fact that i hated him half the time, it was the fact that i had to repair myself, i had to fall in love with myself in order to love anyone else. I had to push him away so i could stop hurting him, && myself both. I had to push him away so he could finally find the love i knew he deserved. && that is something i know for a fucking fact that he deserves. 

He did everything he could for me, && i love him for it. There always will be a part of me that loves him. There will always be a place in my heart for him. && im thankful for our little piece of forever. 

But its because of that, that i cant bring myself to be around him, to try to contact him again, ever. "If two ex's can remain friends after a break up, they were never in love or still are" I cant do that to him, nor myself. Honestly idk how he feels anymore. But i know how i feel, && it wouldnt be fair to him, his gf, nor me, or mine.

All i hope for, is that he treats my baby girl, with the best love, && care that she deserves. I miss her more than i can even fathom. The boys && i talk about her a lot. But just like everyone else, its just someone else we'll have to let go of. 

The boys havent met mine yet, && honestly I doubt they will, just because im tired of people disappearing out of their lives, its a security thing. Theyre finally understanding that mommy wont be around for long. My oldest understood when i shaved part of my head for the surgery. He cried watching me do it, && then asked if his head could be shaved too, "he needed his hair cut anyways" is what he said. 

Im honestly glad that the side the tumor is growing on is a fashion statement now. && im glad i can cover it with whats left of what used to be thick hair.

As for this blog, its been a while, i had to write. I had to let it out. Its bad that it took me a few hours to write it. just to finish it. But for once, i have to finish something. I couldnt finish my marriage, i cant finish watching my kids grow up, i cant finish my own life. whether this be the last thing i finish, itll be something.

at least i'll go with my kids knowing i love them more than anything. i wish their father could know that i was sorry. i never meant to hurt him, i never meant to become what i did. i never meant to do what i did, but i didnt know any other way for him to find what he deserved.  i wish he could know im always going to love him. i wish he could know that im truely sorry, && i still have my flowers, the last set of roses he got me, one at my permanent hospital room, && the rest in the boys room.

i dont know if anyone reads these or not.

but in a few weeks, this entire blog will be gone forever. its not worth keeping. 

itll just be words some dead girl wrote while she was mostly pissed off anyways.

signing off,

forever && always

the one && only harley quinn of vanderbuilt,

<3 Sofii <3