You cant keep looking back.

I know what its like to constantly wonder. I know what its like to miss someone. I've been there && honestly its a road I never want to go down again.
But u can't fall out of love by turning to try to love someone else. I would know. Its also a road I've been down.

I know he'll read this, because he always does. && maybe it isnt to see how I personally am doing. I feel like now he could care less && thats fine. Maybe thats how it should be. Maybe thats how it was meant to be. Because sometimes people have feelings, love for each other, but sometimes they arent meant to be. && sometimes there is no explanation as to why life is that way, but it is what it is. && im not the one to run to for explanations.

I honestly dont know why hed come back here to read any of it. && i honestly dont know why im writing this hoping that he would. Maybe its for clarity, for a cleaner conscience.

To get things off my chest.

I knew i was in the wrong for doing what i was to begin with. Pushing him away, I could had been a little more, a lot more subtle about it. But i wanted his heart to hate me like my heart hated his half the time. && even then, I know now, it wasnt that my heart hated him, i hated what he did to me, how i felt, && what i became. going thru what i am now, i know he did all he could to make up for everything he did, but us being together, made him whatever he is today, which i hope is wiser, && made me what i am today, which is better.

Better for the time i have left. 

When I saw that he moved on, physically saw him && his girl out, it hurt like i knew it would, but it wasnt because of the reasons i thought it would be. I wanted to be the reason he smiled like that. I wanted our family to be complete. But i think at this point, we both knew it couldnt happen. We were both too far damaged. Him in his own hell, && me in mine. I smiled to watch him smile && laugh, it just hurts knowing he tells her all the same things he used to tell me. Im sure its like that with all the females who watch their loves move on. 

&& its that reason when i met mine, that there isnt one thing i tell him that i ever told the first. && with mine, everything is so different, he see's how damaged i am, he knows all i did to my previous, && all my previous did to me. There isnt anything thats been hidden, && when i say nothing i literally mean nothing.

He was the one who comforteded me when i saw my ex, he was the one i told everything to && how i felt, && not once was he hurt, or mad, he understood. He isnt jealous of my ex, because he knows, if thats what i wanted, i wouldnt had hurt or pushed him away. He managed to understand why i did it before i did. It wasnt the fact that i didnt want it to work, it wasnt the fact that i hated him half the time, it was the fact that i had to repair myself, i had to fall in love with myself in order to love anyone else. I had to push him away so i could stop hurting him, && myself both. I had to push him away so he could finally find the love i knew he deserved. && that is something i know for a fucking fact that he deserves. 

He did everything he could for me, && i love him for it. There always will be a part of me that loves him. There will always be a place in my heart for him. && im thankful for our little piece of forever. 

But its because of that, that i cant bring myself to be around him, to try to contact him again, ever. "If two ex's can remain friends after a break up, they were never in love or still are" I cant do that to him, nor myself. Honestly idk how he feels anymore. But i know how i feel, && it wouldnt be fair to him, his gf, nor me, or mine.

All i hope for, is that he treats my baby girl, with the best love, && care that she deserves. I miss her more than i can even fathom. The boys && i talk about her a lot. But just like everyone else, its just someone else we'll have to let go of. 

The boys havent met mine yet, && honestly I doubt they will, just because im tired of people disappearing out of their lives, its a security thing. Theyre finally understanding that mommy wont be around for long. My oldest understood when i shaved part of my head for the surgery. He cried watching me do it, && then asked if his head could be shaved too, "he needed his hair cut anyways" is what he said. 

Im honestly glad that the side the tumor is growing on is a fashion statement now. && im glad i can cover it with whats left of what used to be thick hair.

As for this blog, its been a while, i had to write. I had to let it out. Its bad that it took me a few hours to write it. just to finish it. But for once, i have to finish something. I couldnt finish my marriage, i cant finish watching my kids grow up, i cant finish my own life. whether this be the last thing i finish, itll be something.

at least i'll go with my kids knowing i love them more than anything. i wish their father could know that i was sorry. i never meant to hurt him, i never meant to become what i did. i never meant to do what i did, but i didnt know any other way for him to find what he deserved.  i wish he could know im always going to love him. i wish he could know that im truely sorry, && i still have my flowers, the last set of roses he got me, one at my permanent hospital room, && the rest in the boys room.

i dont know if anyone reads these or not.

but in a few weeks, this entire blog will be gone forever. its not worth keeping. 

itll just be words some dead girl wrote while she was mostly pissed off anyways.

signing off,

forever && always

the one && only harley quinn of vanderbuilt,

<3 Sofii <3