Theres so much that runs thru my mind on a daily basis;
Most of which can depress anyone, even the happiest of people.
I feel tiny, insignificant to anyone.
Where the hell did i go wrong? why am i so different? why the hell do i have to be the one who cares so much?
im so sick of being used for the stupid shit. the shit that doesnt matter.
I know i whine a lot, trust me, i know i do. But its only because i dont understand anymore. everything used to make sense. but now, nothing does, && i feel like it never will.
I'm never going to have this closeness that i long for. Im never going to have the love that i feel like i deserve.
All because the past wont go away. Not entirely anyway.
Your supposed to be able to just let it go, but with me, it doesnt happen. People dont change, they just become better liars. && with him, it gets proven everyday.
when I was around, && even more so now that hes not.
I used to have dreams that shit was fine && perfect, so why did God stick me with this "story?"
Why did i have to be used, broken, lied to, && just demolished? what is the damn purpose? to see how strong i was? well congrats, you got your answer. I'm nowhere near strong. Im dying more && more everyday. && to be alone && go thru this, is heartbreaking.
I would had done anything to let the fucking past go, to never have gotten married until it had been the right time. but it seems like its never going to be the right time. because my time is limited. its never going to be here before then. he's always going to be the same, && im starting to just give up. hes always going to have to have some female around. && because of that, october 28th is happening. because of that, i quit. i throw in the towel. I shoulda known from the facts he was never going to change, grow up, or be a man.
it was never the right person or the right time. it was the exact opposite. the wrong person, the wrong time.
but if that was the case, why do i get jealous? why do i give a rats ass?
obviously he doesnt. nor will he ever. hes done enough tearing me apart to prove that part. plus some.
pushing him away is the only thing left. because as always, he'll move on. && as always i'll be alone.
i just have to keep hiding the shit i feel, because who is there left to talk to? ive shut the world out. im done with everyone. Crying to myself on a nightly basis, because theres nothing, && no one left.
its not worth it anymore. im too damaged, && too far gone. im unlovable. && at this point, im just accepting it.
"The girl that was there for everyone, was finally alone. She finally pushed everyone so far away, that she could hear the echos in her own mind. So as she took a drag of her cigarette, she finally let it out. && it wasnt like all the other times she broke down, because this time, she didnt just cry to the moon && the stars, she screamed at them, begging for an answer, but got nothing. Finally the girl whom always seemed the strongest, became nothing but an empty dying shell. Finally the girl who was so hard to read, who held her soul in her eyes, was gone. She was too far gone to save, && it was that night, she said good-bye, laid down, && died. Because in her short years, she experienced more than any person should ever have to go through. That night, her soul joined the stars && the moon, && that night, her screamed echoed forever in the dark, for those who had done her wrong, broke her heart, && tore her soul apart, piece by piece. Those screams were there to haunt them for the rest of forever."
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