The hardest thing i'll ever do.

Here stands this girl, who gives her all, hopes the best for everyone, sees the good in all, && shes standing on her last whim.

June of 2014, i was re-diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia. after a 456 day triumph without it, it came back. At first, it wasn't too bad, routine tests, mri's, ct && pet scans. they werent too worried, the way everything looked, it seemed like i was going into remission again, it seemed like the cancer was just playing pick-a-boo to remind us that it was there && could reappear when it wanted. I took a couple doses of a kid sized amount of chemo, all on my drs && my request. 
until this past month, && 3 visits to the e.r. endless counseling sessions, && lots of secrets. 
Only certain people knew, && it was only because they made me talk about it.

this past week, i had a seizure. which wasnt the first time, but was more serious. I lost a substantial amount of blood via nose bleed during the seizure, && after, && had more scans which im oh so familiar with. so many more things showed up than i expected, one of which is inoperable. 

imagine living with this pain for so long. that it hurts to be up for so long, it hurts to walk, to take too deep of a breath, to even brush your hair. But ive been doing all i could, to stand tall, to smile, to live life to the fullest whether im at work or not. to have a smile on my face, until im alone, which is the worst time in the world for me. when the kids are sleeping, && no ones alone, i have all this time, to think, whether it be of now, whats to happen, if i'll be around for my boys. 

&& honestly I've never been this scared in my life. 

I keep hearing it'll be ok. && that my dr says i'll win this, just like before, but before, it wasnt this bad, it didnt come with a vengence. When i watch the dr or the nurses go over my chart, they always glance at me, maybe because they know im watching them, waiting for the expression on their face, maybe because i know its bad news. 

I know this isnt quiet the way people think about finding out, but its what im good at, ive always been better at writing how i feel, or what i want to say, than saying it. Its just me, its what makes me different && weird, but almost the same in every way.
 
My worlds falling apart, day by day im getting weaker, when i should be getting stronger. day by day i work as hard as i can, to make sure my boys have something in case i do go. day by day, im here trying to fight, trying to smile, trying to be ok. i just need a hug everyonce in a while. a shoulder maybe, but as many people that have offered that, i dont ever take it. I dont wanna be that girl anymore. I dont want the attention, but i want people to know im fighting everyday, that im here for them, idc whats going on in my life, && that here or not in physical form, im always going to be here.

Dont ever forget who was there when no one else was. 

Pray for me please. I may need it now more than ever.