I'm at this stage ...

I'm at this stage in my life, where everything is just kind of, duh.

Not necessarily duh, per say, but its hard to describe.

Everyone looks at the things I've done in my life, && calls me stupid.

Like I have no reason to sit here && have to apologize nor explain why I did what I did.

its my life, my lessons, my heart, my soul, my story.

I've managed to beat cancer, something my dr was sure of that was going to kill me, but here I am today. I'm going to live everything to the fullest.

well maybe not the fullest, its kind of hard to do that with three jobs && being a newly single mom all over again. 

But its like, "yeah I'm eating a salad at 1 a.m.! why the fuck not?"

or

"yeah I'm doing laundry at 1 a.m.! why the hell not?"

my life.

Was all the tears && shit I dealt with worth it?

to me, no.

but to my kids, id do it all over again. all because they were happy.

I thought I had everything under control, but once again, due to alcohol, another relationship ruined.

There's certain things in life, that cant be fixed, && one of those main things, are people.

They don't change until they want to change.

Once they see how they tore your world apart, maybe then, there is that hope.

But then again, maybe in the back of their minds, they think they can get away with it,

because they did it so many times before.

Idk.

idk how peoples minds work anymore,

idc to know how peoples minds work anymore. I just know I'm running off of two hours of sleep, && I have to leave for work in 3 hours.  

This shit is going to kill me, && with the kids starting school in a week, lets get ready for that.

When someone disappears out of your life, you have to take it as a lesson,

stop trying to chase that person, no matter how much you love or care about them,

if they wanted what they said originally, everything would had been different.

&& yes, that goes for two sides.

Yes I see where I could had been different, or come around to certain topics

with more caution. But would that honestly had helped?

All I can do is wonder now.

There's always three sides to the story.

Mine, has started over.

I didn't want it, nor expect it to. I expected to be able to prove everyone wrong once again.

But fuck!

I figured, yup, I kicked cancers ass, maybe I can do this with one hand tied behind my back.

Hell no, I failed miserably.

&& where is he? Nowhere to be found once again.

There comes a certain time in your adult life, when all you want, is just to be mutual, && that's it.

Because at this point, that's all you can have, or be.

Maybe I'm wrong. Idk.

I'm learning as I go.

I still have a long way to go.

 

But for now, time to unload laundry && get ready for this next work day.

One day, when we're far away from here,

it'll all be worth it.

 

Three against the world.

Forever.