Christmas, && the return of blogging

Since my last adventure of leaving the one i refer to as "him" .. 

Im back .. Not in love, not in lust .. Just .. Alone ..

Id rather it be tht way .. Im living with "him" . ((Not my best idea)) considering the house we live in .. Has no central heating, so constant floor heaters are a must .. ((Literally 4 of them in a living room, one in the boys room because their room stays fairly warm)) 

Since then weve gained custody of two step kids .. Half custody anyway .. Every other week ..

&& right now .. Its sleeting .. Everyones asleep .. && im sitting here, drinking my green tea, watching this fake heater give off an illusion of wht it refered to as "3-d fire" && listening to the ice hit the roof .. Hoping jr wont wake up with another nightmare .. 

Hes had a lot of those lately .. && they arent the normal cuddle extra close to mommy because im scared nightmares .. Theyre the "scream && wake up the entire neighborhood" nightmares .. Nightmares he doesnt wake up from && when he does, hes completely oblivious as to why he isnt in bed ..

It scares me .. 

Since my last rants && raves, ive aquired a new puppy whom wont leave my side, so i decided to name her shadow .. The boys && her are my escape to my lonliness .. && honestly .. I never realized how bittersweet it is to be alone .. Relationship wise .. 

Theres times where i wanna be held .. && times where i remember all the fucked up shit hes put me thru .. && want to run from thr world ..

Right now at this point in time, i want it to be christmas, for the kids to open their gifts .. && to hold my boys .. Next to this fake ass fire with hot chocolate in our cups .. 

For now .. Im done .. I have a headache the size of kansas .. && i gotta be up early in the morning .. 

Aloha to the non-existant readers .. && goodnight 

Time to let go

I dont know why, 

But flashbacks of that first dance, the stolen dance, that night, it all went through my head all day.

I cant stop it, && i dont understand the emotion behind it all. 

Confusion, dumbstruck, happy, sad, pissed off at myself.

Can one stop themselves from falling for someone who doesn't even acknowledge their existence?    

I did nothing different, nothing different than what i normally do to shove myself away from the world around me. 

&& yet your still there. 

Why??

Why are u so damn different? What made YOU so special? Why was i so excited to see you? 

I dont understand. I dont want to understand. I just want to forget.

Theres so much more for my mind to be focussed on, but yet at some point of the day, your there. 

I dont want it that way. I dont want to be this way. I dont want to feel like a teenager, because i never got that. I never got those feelings over anyone. So why you?

Its time to cut all ties. Cut all connections. Because i dont understand why this hurts as bad as it does. You were never mine. 

You'll never be mine. 

Time for my mind && my heart to realize that. Its time to let go ..

http://youtu.be/roB7vX2N4cs

Letting go && loving forevr

Theres always going to be that one person that no matter how bad they hurt you, no matter how bad they pissed you off, 

Youll always have some sort of feeling for them .. && thts just the way it is .. 

You watch em move on with their life && u kno even tho this was your decision, you wonder how it is so easy for them to forget you .. 

Because even tho you hurt, your never going back . Because the physical, emotional && mental damage is just too much ..

Its like you try to remember all the good that came from tht person, but u cant remember .. Or ur brain just shuts the

Entire memory out .. Like it doesnt want u to remember

Im so done with relationships .. From now on . Itll just be me && my boys against the world .. Three against the world .. Forevr && always

Tears express what your mouth cant .. 😷😇

Let go, && let live,

Hold on to what you love ..

Be happy, because you have what most dream for ..

Everyday that goes on, everyday that i get treatment,

It gets harder. 

Fatigue, not holding a morsel of food down, i.v fluid to keep hydrated, phenergan to keep from getting sick, restlessness, joint pain, hair loss, nerve damage, endless ct's && mri's. it gets old fast. 

But i thank god everyday. Because im alive. Because i have my boys, because i have food && shelter, because i have a job, etc.

Every doctors appointment, every blood draw, ct mri && everything inbetween, all i can do is pray && hope for the best. 

Hope that my boys will have a mommy the next day. Hope that i will continue to fight. Whether my body wants me to or not.. I have to. I have too much to live for to not keep this fight going. 

For 22, i havent lived a horrible life, gone through some shit yes .. But who hasn't ?? It could have always been worse. && even now, i still can smile on a daily basis, && say, it could always be worse. 

Live 💛. Love ❤
Laugh 💜. Forever 💙

U wanna call me a bad mother ??

Well la di fucking da !! Three months of u "not cheating" tht isnt shit compared to 2 years of ur bullshit !!! U wanna claim tht u changed ?? U wanna say its my fault tht were not working ??

Fine .. Ill take the blame .. Wanna kno why ?? Cause i kno none of this on me .. Im not the one who cheated && lied on a daily basis .. Im not the one who made u hate life .. 

Im done with it .. I got fed up with ur head && heart games .. 

Sorry .. 

Im not going to be sorry for me being happy for once .. Ive never fealt so free .. Ive nvr been able to be me && now tht i kno && have seen//experienced who u really are, no i wont be sorry .. Because i always jumped from one relationship to another, i never had time for just me && now tht i do .. Im not gonna go back to the life i was living ..

U shoulda realized ur problem when u had the chance .. Because u didnt care when i did .. U didnt try when i did .. U didnt love me when i loved u .. For two years i held "us" together .. But sorry .. Im not going to waste anymore time on an "us" tht shoulda been fine from point one .. 

My kids deserve bettr .. I deserve bettr .. Because the love tht i deserve ..Isn't going to be the stealing, cheating, lying "love" .. Its going to be the love the cherishes, encourages, && appreciates wht life REALLY is && can see beauty in everyday like i do ..

Its time to move forward .. Its time to be happy, its time to move to the nxt chapter of my life .. Lesson learned ..

 

Tomorrow & the truth runs away

"I see a lot of pictures of sunsets" 

Ive been told tht quiet a few times in my short 22 years of life ..

&& its because im still waiting for someone to see those sunsets as i do ..

Im waiting for someone to realize, with my condition, every sunset i see can be the last one .. 

Heres wht i see

 

Beauty .. Why ?? Because its nvr the same sunset .. Nvr the same setting .. Its nvr the same ..

As beautiful && bright .. Itll nvr be the same again

Happy birthday && stupid opinions. .

4 years old today. . && For u I'm glad it was fun. . But for me, if people don't start keeping their damn opinions to themselves. . Ill snap. .

So wht the father of my boys wanted to be at his son's bday ??
So wht he wanted to be there to watch his son grow up ??

So fucking wht he wants to be there. .
Thts exactly the point ..
SO FUCKING WHT ..

either deal with it or get out of my life. . Because he's ALWAYS going to be around. . Not because he's being forced to. . No ones holding a gun to his head or a knife to his throat. .
He wants to be there because he WANTS to. .
He may have messed up. . Thts the past && u weren't a part of it. .
Its my life. . If he wants to be a part of his kids lives then I'm not gonna tell him no. . I'm grateful he wants to be there. .
I'm grateful for his help. .

So if u have a problem with him. . Keep ur mouth shut. .
U can't judge because ull never change. .
Because ur always gonna be a shit talker behind people's backs. .
People change. .
Sometimes for the better. . Sometimes for the worst. .
&& people are about to learn tht if it doesn't stop. . They won't be a part of my life. .

Have anything to say about it ?? I'll gladly give u my # ..
Because I'm grown. . I won't put up with it. ..

U choose. . Is the shit talking really worth a "friendship" ..
Because to me. . It does nothing. .
It doesn't make u any better than anyone out there. .

I'm done for the night. .
I'm gonna spend time with my family now. .
My broken. . Peaceful. . Family. .

Re-evaluating me ..

All ive ever fealt, is under appreciated ..
All ive ever been, is a step mat .. All ive ever been is walked all over ..
&& that time is over .. Because im sick of being a doormat
If you dont like what i have to say, if you dont like the choices i make or who i am, then walk out of my life .. Not because im finally standing up for myself like i shoulda done years ago, but because im trying to be mean, but if you cant treat me like i deserve, then you dont deserve my prescence

I may be difficult, but im easy going .. I may have my times where to you im complaining, but its only because i want advice .. I have my bad days, but even on those bad days, youll see a smile on mt face .. Because that is who ive become .. The girl who smiles through her pain .. Because ive learned .. The people that cause you pain, whether it be a bully, co-worker, parents, sibling, spouse, etc. if they cause you pain , they dont deserve you .. There is beauty in every human being .. Not just because they're 100 pounds tan && what society calls perfect .. But because each one of us has a purpose ..

For example .. I would go to the ends of this earth to :
#1. Make sure my boys are happy//taken care of// always safe && loved
&&
#2. To help people, to feel like i made a difference .. && to let them know ,they are important ..

Thats just me .. Its my calling .. Its what i want to do with my life .. I want to be the mother that is always there for her babies .. All 5 of them .. I want to go back to school to be a lpn .. I want start over .. Be me .. Be happy .. && be the woman every girl wishes to be .. I wanna be successful.. I just want to be me ..

There comes a time. .

When ur beyond tht point of healing. . Beyond tht point of trusting anyone. . Even urself .. when ur at tht point, to where u can't evn look in the mirror without being disgusted with ur own reflection. .
I'm there. . I feel like I have to compare myself to all those girls.. all those porn stars. .all the women u talked to. .
All the girls u slept with. . Or lusted aftr. .

&& Thts why I walked away. .
U really think walking away from something I got 5 beautiful kids out of didn't hurt? ? Or tht I don't actually fucking love u ??
No. . My problem was I loved u too much. . More than u deserved. . Because I gave u all of me. . I gave u more than anyone evr had. . && u took advantage of tht. .
U took advantage of me, && everything I evr did for u ..
&& Now its too late. . I'm sorry u can't hide the hurt like me. . I'm sorry u let emotions control u. . But Thts also how u let ur problem control u. . Is because u let it. .
U think it was easy going from doing meth every othr damn day. . To just stopping all togethr ?? No. . I fealt horrible. . Like I was gonna die. . But I didn't let it completely control me. . Because I wanted to be a bettr person. . Not for anyone. . But me. .

I gave u more time && devotion than u evr deserved. .
&& Since its too late. . I'm walking away && strting my life the way I want it to strt. . No more holding back. . No more control .. I live my life. . && U live urs. .

Good luck in finding the nxt girl who can handle u. .. all I kno is u deserved bettr the entire time. .
Sorry for breaking u completely. . But u could never fix me. . Cause ur the one who completely broke me. .

Sex sells ..

I'm so sick of the social media. . U all wonder why the hell us women are constantly degrading ourselves. . Its cause of the bullshit tht we constantly see. . In movies, games. . Etc. .

Men wonder why women are constantly wanting plastic surgery ?? Its so we can look like the shit tht turns y'all assholes on so fucking much. .

There's enough issues with the entire eating disorder. . But guess not to the nation, cause if ur not a size 2-3 then in their eyes,  your fat. .

&& u
. U kno who u are because I kno ur reading this. . U really wonder why the fuck I hate myself ?? Turn on ur goddamn god of war III .. let me kno the second saved session is. . For someone who's supposed to not be into anime. . U sure are into video game characters having sex. .

So I'm sorry I don't look like the fucking goddess in the goddamn game, but trust me. . Ur not gonna touch me again until I do. . && U fucking wonder .. hmmmm. . Reality check. . Eithr strt respecting a fucking woman's body. . Or lose me to someone who will. .

Women's bodies are supposed to be fucking sacred. . For ONE MAN. .. or woman. . Howevr tht goes. . Not a fuckin million. . Thanks for nothing social media. . Ima go begin my eating disorder now

The usual fatigued, emotionally drained girl who looses herself in music ..

I was challenged a week or so ago to try to remember all the things tht made me the way i am today

((a process tht ended with me just sitting in the passengers seat crying silently to myself))

anyway .. my past is wht made me wht i am today ((obviously))
but one person who i thought i was supposed to trust for the rest of my life .. because he was family ..
i dont remember wht exactly happened ..

but i do remember this;;

he showed up at school asking if i wanted to hang out .. i didnt wanna be at school, rebel days ya kno ??
he was family, so i said yea .. i walked outta school like usual .. me, 8th grade at the time, && him, early twenties with no job && i guess nothing to do ..
we walked to his house laughed && talked about the family like we usually did ((the drama, the disputes, the holidays soon approaching)) 
i thought nothing of it .. we got to his house, walked in, he offered me a drink .. i took it, hes family .. didnt think anything of it ..
it tasted weird but i wasnt going to fight against it .. it was good at the time ..
its now the reason i cant drink orange juice with vodka .. because i found out that is exactly what it was ..
moving on .. 
we sat down in the living room, me drinking in this awesome drink he gave me watching underworld .

&& him, just sitting there .. i started getting sleepy .. so i told him id take a nap .. wlked to his extra bedroom && layed down .. 

i fealt like my head was spinning, he came in, asked if i was ok, i couldnt even sit up ..
&& thts when shit went downhill ..
i remember him laying down next to me, trying to feel places .. 
&& picking me up && making me sit on him .. 

from then, idr anything except brian, my othr cousin, his best friend//roomate at the time, 
i remember him coming in, yelling, me falling, him swinging grabbing me && running ..

he took me back to school
wth happened i dont remember, i remember being back at school, brian saying he was going to call mom && tell her wht happened && i didnt know what to think so i just said ok .. 

i couldnt stop getting sick at school tht day, && i ended up being sent home because i had no color to my face, && acted like i was in a state of shock ..
mrs torris ((the fave back then)) said i kept crying in her class .. idr it ..


i just know i was in so much trouble aftr that .. i had so many drs appts aftr tht day ..
&& idk why .. part of me wants to ask him wtf he did to make me hate the male race && have trust in no one ..
&& part of me wants to just let it go && not relive tht time .. my brains shut it down for a reason, whethr that be when my p.t.s.d started ,.. or earlier when emily happened

idk

ive just known he was the reason i never wanted to be physically touched again ..

hes part of the reason i lash out && shut down for periods of time .. because aftr that day, i didnt tlk for roughly about 2 months almost ..
&& it took a nightmare to even remember any of this ..


am i crazy ?? for not wanting to revisit that?? or am i sane for just closing it off ??
 
idk anymore
part of me wants to know .. but it feels like if i kno .. thatll be it ..
cause i wont be able to take it

((below is the song of the night, just cause im in a i wanna lash out && break shit kinda night .. just a mood due to the post traumatic stress syndrome kicking in))




 http://youtu.be/oVo8g7T39A4