Bleehhhhhhhhhh

Listen while reading for the true emotions




Theres so much that runs thru my mind on a daily basis;

Most of which can depress anyone, even the happiest of people. 
I feel tiny, insignificant to anyone. 
Where the hell did i go wrong? why am i so different? why the hell do i have to be the one who cares so much?

im so sick of being used for the stupid shit. the shit that doesnt matter.
I know i whine a lot, trust me, i know i do. But its only because i dont understand anymore. everything used to make sense. but now, nothing does, && i feel like it never will.
I'm never going to have this closeness that i long for. Im never going to have the love that i feel like i deserve.
All because the past wont go away. Not entirely anyway. 

Your supposed to be able to just let it go, but with me, it doesnt happen. People dont change, they just become better liars. && with him, it gets proven everyday.
when I was around, && even more so now that hes not.

I used to have dreams that shit was fine && perfect, so why did God stick me with this "story?"
Why did i have to be used, broken, lied to, && just demolished? what is the damn purpose? to see how strong i was? well congrats, you got your answer. I'm nowhere near strong. Im dying more && more everyday. && to be alone && go thru this, is heartbreaking. 

I would had done anything to let the fucking past go, to never have gotten married until it had been the right time. but it seems like its never going to be the right time. because my time is limited. its never going to be here before then. he's always going to be the same, && im starting to just give up. hes always going to have to have some female around. && because of that, october 28th is happening. because of that, i quit. i throw in the towel. I shoulda known from the facts he was never going to change, grow up, or be a man. 
it was never the right person or the right time. it was the exact opposite. the wrong person, the wrong time. 
but if that was the case, why do i get jealous? why do i give a rats ass? 
obviously he doesnt. nor will he ever. hes done enough tearing me apart to prove that part. plus some. 
pushing him away is the only thing left. because as always, he'll move on. && as always i'll be alone. 

i just have to keep hiding the shit i feel, because who is there left to talk to? ive shut the world out. im done with everyone. Crying to myself on a nightly basis, because theres nothing, && no one left. 

its not worth it anymore. im too damaged, && too far gone. im unlovable. && at this point, im just accepting it.


"The girl that was there for everyone, was finally alone. She finally pushed everyone so far away, that she could hear the echos in her own mind. So as she took a drag of her cigarette, she finally let it out. && it wasnt like all the other times she broke down, because this time, she didnt just cry to the moon && the stars, she screamed at them, begging for an answer, but got nothing. Finally the girl whom always seemed the strongest, became nothing but an empty dying shell. Finally the girl who was so hard to read, who held her soul in her eyes, was gone. She was too far gone to save, && it was that night, she said good-bye, laid down, && died. Because in her short years, she experienced more than any person should ever have to go through. That night, her soul joined the stars && the moon, && that night, her screamed echoed forever in the dark, for those who had done her wrong, broke her heart, && tore her soul apart, piece by piece. Those screams were there to haunt them for the rest of forever."

 

The hardest thing i'll ever do.

Here stands this girl, who gives her all, hopes the best for everyone, sees the good in all, && shes standing on her last whim.

June of 2014, i was re-diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia. after a 456 day triumph without it, it came back. At first, it wasn't too bad, routine tests, mri's, ct && pet scans. they werent too worried, the way everything looked, it seemed like i was going into remission again, it seemed like the cancer was just playing pick-a-boo to remind us that it was there && could reappear when it wanted. I took a couple doses of a kid sized amount of chemo, all on my drs && my request. 
until this past month, && 3 visits to the e.r. endless counseling sessions, && lots of secrets. 
Only certain people knew, && it was only because they made me talk about it.

this past week, i had a seizure. which wasnt the first time, but was more serious. I lost a substantial amount of blood via nose bleed during the seizure, && after, && had more scans which im oh so familiar with. so many more things showed up than i expected, one of which is inoperable. 

imagine living with this pain for so long. that it hurts to be up for so long, it hurts to walk, to take too deep of a breath, to even brush your hair. But ive been doing all i could, to stand tall, to smile, to live life to the fullest whether im at work or not. to have a smile on my face, until im alone, which is the worst time in the world for me. when the kids are sleeping, && no ones alone, i have all this time, to think, whether it be of now, whats to happen, if i'll be around for my boys. 

&& honestly I've never been this scared in my life. 

I keep hearing it'll be ok. && that my dr says i'll win this, just like before, but before, it wasnt this bad, it didnt come with a vengence. When i watch the dr or the nurses go over my chart, they always glance at me, maybe because they know im watching them, waiting for the expression on their face, maybe because i know its bad news. 

I know this isnt quiet the way people think about finding out, but its what im good at, ive always been better at writing how i feel, or what i want to say, than saying it. Its just me, its what makes me different && weird, but almost the same in every way.
 
My worlds falling apart, day by day im getting weaker, when i should be getting stronger. day by day i work as hard as i can, to make sure my boys have something in case i do go. day by day, im here trying to fight, trying to smile, trying to be ok. i just need a hug everyonce in a while. a shoulder maybe, but as many people that have offered that, i dont ever take it. I dont wanna be that girl anymore. I dont want the attention, but i want people to know im fighting everyday, that im here for them, idc whats going on in my life, && that here or not in physical form, im always going to be here.

Dont ever forget who was there when no one else was. 

Pray for me please. I may need it now more than ever. 

It started with one, two, three.

One, two, three. 
maybe its the same with me, 
as it is for him.

that was my state of mind. thats how i felt it would be. I was beyond wrong. As i sit here, writing a letter, && thinking, im reading my bible. trying to figure out where all Ive gone wrong in my life. for example, why did my marriage fail? why do my kids treat me the way they do? why am i used, abused, && lied to the way i constantly the way that i am. 

I have two little boys, sleeping next to me. two little boys whom were never supposed to make it. thats where i feel ive done right. out of everything ive been through. these two, were my rewards, for everything ive ever endured. because at the end of the day, i feel like as im tucking these two beautiful little boys into bed. as im reading them their book to them, or as im yelling at them to lay down && listen to me, ((lol)), they are my proof that they are all i need to survive in this crazy screwed up world. 

if your reading this, ((you know who you are))
then i still love you. after all the crazy fucked up shit ive been through with you. i love you, && i doubt anything would ever take that away. but im never coming back. i cant. 

i feel like when i finally do get the chance to move, when i finally do get the chance to run away from this town, everything will be better. like ill be free. like ill be safe. 

its a new start, a new beginning. for me && my babies. because for the past few weeks, its been just me && these kids against the world. && i feel like thats the way it should stay. dont get me wrong. a break every once in a while would be great. but this way, i cant miss one thing out of their lives. not one. 

these boys are my life, my love, my everything. but without them, im nothing, im incomplete, && empty.

so i guess enough for the ranting && raving.im gonna finish up this letter and cuddle up to my babies. we gotta long day ahead of us tomorrow. may god have his eyes && blessings on us. because this, this peace of mind, its what i need. i need to be baptized again. but first of all, i have to find a church i love going to. like back in the day.



Good night, sweet dreams to all my readers. Pray for me, as i pray for all of you.
<3 <3 <3 <3

three against the world.

Day by day

Head up, keep smiling, stay strong, move on .. Thts wht im living by as of now .. 

Its harder than i thought it would be, vut part of me feels like in the end, it'll all be worth it .. 

Being alone gives me time to think, giving me time to think, makes me see wht i need to in me .. It makes me see wht has to change, && who i can really trust && who should deserve my love .. 

Im pushing away everyone .. The guy i married ((i dont think i could deal with tht anymore anyway)), the best friend that made me feel important ((i'll always have false hopes anyway)), any form of friends i had before .. The only ones im keeping around are my family, && my boys .. 

There's so much tht is running thru my mind, tht it's kind of difficult to comprehend .. Because it isnt just one subject at a time, no .. Its a million .. From the past, to the future, to the present time im living in .. Its hard to just stop all of em at once .. Especially at night when its just me && the kids are asleep .. 

My mind wont shut off && i just lay there && think .. && think .. && think .. 

How do u make it stop ?? How does it go away ?? How do i become a better me with the past constantly haunting me ?? 

I doubt i'll ever be good enough for anyone .. Im too emotionally damaged .. Too fucked up .. Idk ..

Ima continue to smile .. Continue to live .. Continue to live my life && hope tht i can for once, be happy ..