Time to let go

I dont know why, 

But flashbacks of that first dance, the stolen dance, that night, it all went through my head all day.

I cant stop it, && i dont understand the emotion behind it all. 

Confusion, dumbstruck, happy, sad, pissed off at myself.

Can one stop themselves from falling for someone who doesn't even acknowledge their existence?    

I did nothing different, nothing different than what i normally do to shove myself away from the world around me. 

&& yet your still there. 

Why??

Why are u so damn different? What made YOU so special? Why was i so excited to see you? 

I dont understand. I dont want to understand. I just want to forget.

Theres so much more for my mind to be focussed on, but yet at some point of the day, your there. 

I dont want it that way. I dont want to be this way. I dont want to feel like a teenager, because i never got that. I never got those feelings over anyone. So why you?

Its time to cut all ties. Cut all connections. Because i dont understand why this hurts as bad as it does. You were never mine. 

You'll never be mine. 

Time for my mind && my heart to realize that. Its time to let go ..

http://youtu.be/roB7vX2N4cs

Letting go && loving forevr

Theres always going to be that one person that no matter how bad they hurt you, no matter how bad they pissed you off, 

Youll always have some sort of feeling for them .. && thts just the way it is .. 

You watch em move on with their life && u kno even tho this was your decision, you wonder how it is so easy for them to forget you .. 

Because even tho you hurt, your never going back . Because the physical, emotional && mental damage is just too much ..

Its like you try to remember all the good that came from tht person, but u cant remember .. Or ur brain just shuts the

Entire memory out .. Like it doesnt want u to remember

Im so done with relationships .. From now on . Itll just be me && my boys against the world .. Three against the world .. Forevr && always

Tears express what your mouth cant .. 😷😇

Let go, && let live,

Hold on to what you love ..

Be happy, because you have what most dream for ..

Everyday that goes on, everyday that i get treatment,

It gets harder. 

Fatigue, not holding a morsel of food down, i.v fluid to keep hydrated, phenergan to keep from getting sick, restlessness, joint pain, hair loss, nerve damage, endless ct's && mri's. it gets old fast. 

But i thank god everyday. Because im alive. Because i have my boys, because i have food && shelter, because i have a job, etc.

Every doctors appointment, every blood draw, ct mri && everything inbetween, all i can do is pray && hope for the best. 

Hope that my boys will have a mommy the next day. Hope that i will continue to fight. Whether my body wants me to or not.. I have to. I have too much to live for to not keep this fight going. 

For 22, i havent lived a horrible life, gone through some shit yes .. But who hasn't ?? It could have always been worse. && even now, i still can smile on a daily basis, && say, it could always be worse. 

Live 💛. Love ❤
Laugh 💜. Forever 💙

U wanna call me a bad mother ??

Well la di fucking da !! Three months of u "not cheating" tht isnt shit compared to 2 years of ur bullshit !!! U wanna claim tht u changed ?? U wanna say its my fault tht were not working ??

Fine .. Ill take the blame .. Wanna kno why ?? Cause i kno none of this on me .. Im not the one who cheated && lied on a daily basis .. Im not the one who made u hate life .. 

Im done with it .. I got fed up with ur head && heart games .. 

Sorry .. 

Im not going to be sorry for me being happy for once .. Ive never fealt so free .. Ive nvr been able to be me && now tht i kno && have seen//experienced who u really are, no i wont be sorry .. Because i always jumped from one relationship to another, i never had time for just me && now tht i do .. Im not gonna go back to the life i was living ..

U shoulda realized ur problem when u had the chance .. Because u didnt care when i did .. U didnt try when i did .. U didnt love me when i loved u .. For two years i held "us" together .. But sorry .. Im not going to waste anymore time on an "us" tht shoulda been fine from point one .. 

My kids deserve bettr .. I deserve bettr .. Because the love tht i deserve ..Isn't going to be the stealing, cheating, lying "love" .. Its going to be the love the cherishes, encourages, && appreciates wht life REALLY is && can see beauty in everyday like i do ..

Its time to move forward .. Its time to be happy, its time to move to the nxt chapter of my life .. Lesson learned ..

 

Tomorrow & the truth runs away

"I see a lot of pictures of sunsets" 

Ive been told tht quiet a few times in my short 22 years of life ..

&& its because im still waiting for someone to see those sunsets as i do ..

Im waiting for someone to realize, with my condition, every sunset i see can be the last one .. 

Heres wht i see

 

Beauty .. Why ?? Because its nvr the same sunset .. Nvr the same setting .. Its nvr the same ..

As beautiful && bright .. Itll nvr be the same again