The fear tht is a possibility but is true

There it was .. little 4' 11" me sitting && waiting for the diagnosis

Dr: "your blood count is really low && you had an unnormal ct " Me: ((tht explains why the nurse doing my head scan was all of a sudden so nice to me.. she knew Wht she was seeing .. fuck .. )) so wht is that supposed to mean ?? Dr: were referring u to a neurologist .. hell be able to determine everything exactly as it is .. Me: really ?? Is it so hard to say its a possibility ?? Because yea I'm being rude but I wanna make sure I'm not misinterpreting here .. Dr: yes ma'am .. it is a possibility that its cancer but its a possibility that its also not .. it could be just a cyst Fuck .. there it was .. the 6 letter word no one ever wants to hear .. I stood up, got my stuff && said "am I done ??" Dr: " yes but u don't need to be driving .. news like this can put anyone into shock, just follow up with your Dr tomorro, hell give u the scheduled day && time .. " Me:" thanks" I wasn't gonna listen to him .. I got in my car .. && just sat there for a minute .. && cried .. think .. an empty parking lot .. a girl in a car .. no one around .. best time possible to just let it out .. Yea its only a possibility .. but by God its a scary ass possibility .. ohh .. I also was told apparently I'm having seizures while fully awake .. which explains my memory issue && sight getting worse .. I held my kids damn well tight tonight .. bathed them .. && tucked them in bed .. but honestly .. why are people such assholes aftr u finally break down && tell them wth is going on .. my entire plan was to go about my life && just ignore it .. kinda like its not there .. because cancer or not .. there's no way in hell I'd evr go thru those treatments !! If I am to be healthy .. it'll be God's doing .. not someone who says the shit will help && surprisingly it doesn't .. Anyway .. I didn't plan on telling a soul .. not my parents .. not my kids .. not my husband .. no one .. but dear God .. if I say leave me alone .. I have a lot to soak in .. just leave me the hell alone .. don't push it && make me feel like the most worthless person to walk this earth because I forgot one damn thing !! Because I mean .. I'm not like tht but 2 can play tht game .. Thts all I wanted .. was to be the only one to kno .. so far .. this is all he knows .. && I guess it'll stay tht way .. so pretty drastic .. i kno .. but Ima go do some cleaning .. I have a mind to clear G'night Thank u Tay, Ronan, && Ty baby .. I hope y'all are safe && having fun in heaven

Its not a challenge .. its my life ..

<p><i>Visited by a neighbor at the most needed time, I finally got room to vent .. </i></p>
<p><i>There's been </i><i>so much running thru my </i><i>mind .. it could drive a person insane .. </i></p>
<p><i>My dads condition, bills, finding my cuddle buddy, making sure the kids are taken care of, content && have everything they need, finding a job .. etc ..

Well while the neighbor was around, she asked me in the most serious way .. how do u do it ??
I was kinda confused .. wht r u tlking about ??

She said "ur a full time mom to 2 beautiful boys, part time mom to 3 othr kids, u maintain ur anger && depression when ur husbands around, u do the laundry, wash the dishes, feed the kids, then ur husband, u give the kids baths, clean their room, make their beds, && tuck them in at night .. u make sure he has clean socks && a lunch before he has to go to work .. u make time for everything .. but yourself .. did u evr experience being a teenager ?? Do u evr have time for just you ?? Because if u get this job .. its only going to be harder hun ..

I just kinda sat there for a minute I guess .. it fealt like forevr .. I kno .. is all I could tell her ..

She said .. "i wish I were u .. yea u let things get to u sometimes .. but I've nvr seen a mom who's so content when things can go so wrong .. your so young .. ur still a kid .. "

&& all tht ran thru my head .. is yea .. I kno .. I'm a kid with kids .. but I'd rathr it be tht way .. why ?? Because I don't wanna be one of those kids out there who thought they were truly in love with one douchebag of a guy .. I used to think I knew wht love was .. in reality .. I didn't .. I didn't kno wht true love was until I met my boys those very first times ..

Now I kno wht my dad .. && my mom fealt meeting me && my sistr .. && I wouldn't change tht for the world .. I would nvr had asked for bettr parents .. every kid goes thru a stage where they think oh they're lucky .. their parents don't give a shit .. I did a few times .. but I'm honestly glad mine gave a shit .. if they wouldn't had .. Idk where I'd be .. deff not here ..

They're my biggest inspirations .. my heroes .. just as my boys , my step daughters, && step son is .. just like Ty , Ronan, && Tay were .. they showed me, life could always be worse .. so be happy with wht u have .. because while u have life, othrs have nothing .. no shelter, mother, fathr .. literally .. nothing ..

&& knowing I'm not as big of a Christian as I used to be .. I do still believe in god .. && I do still pray daily .. pray for guidance, strength thru the hard times .. && patience .. because thts all I need besides my boys && family physically ..

So .. yes .. sometimes it is hard doing everything on ur own && feeling as if u have no freedom .. sometimes it is hard to feel like the only one who knows wht they want outta life .. && honestly it wasn't hard having to grow up so fast .. because no mattr wht .. I graduated high school .. no mattr wht .. I graduated college .. && no mattr wht .. I always have support when I needa little push to strive to get to my dream ..

My neighbors just starstruck at the life I life I live at such a young age .. but no mattr wht .. I'm always gonna thank my daddy, mommy, aiden && Jr, Shelby, Conner && maci .. because y'all are the first ones I think about in the morning when I wake up, && the last people I think about when I go to sleep .. because every day I'm thankful to have been blessed with walking angels ..

:)

Time to clean now ..

G'night readers .. sweet love from me, aiden, && Jr ..

P.s .. I'm really hoping this job will help me with my dream .. I'm really hoping tht I can get those bracelets made for Ty .. just like I promised his mama
:)

Love ya Ty .. && I really miss u darling <33

Worry hit me like a truck

Ur just laying there, you don't want to move, ur burning hot .. && idk wht to do .. ur body is fighting this temperature .. because I'm watching u sweat it off .. but dear God, wht can be wrong with u ?? You're only 3 .. how many 3 year olds complain of a headache, && don't eat ?? This isn't a stage .. this is something thts wrong .. && its scaring the shit out of me .. I'm only 22 .. ur only 3 .. u were my first true love .. I never knew wht true unconditional love was until I fealt u kick for the first time .. we have to fight whatever this is baby .. if it weren't for you && your brother, I would had moved back to California .. I would be strung out on meth all ovr again .. I wouldn't kno my purpose in life .. u helped me find myself baby .. so .. On tht note .. I'm getting off to get my baby dressed .. && take him to the e.r ... Ill inform everyone who does read of whts going on .. I love u babies ..

I am your art canvas

Today, aftr finally figuring out tht aidens fevr just isn't gonna go away, I let him do whtevr his little heart wanted to today .. so today, I was the human canvas .. :)

I'm still covered in all ur little art drawings .. a spiderweb to represent Spiderman, ur super aiden symbol on your back, your favorite kinda star, we evn got abi ((abuella aka grandma in Spanish)) a matching star just like yours .. I still have ur heart && all your little scribbles on my legs && arms .. I wish I could keep them forevr ..

I love u babies .. I gotta go for now