This feeling of terror, just wont go away ..

What do you do when one of the most important people in your life, are hanging by a thread?

what do you do when you have to stay strong, just to keep everyone else going?

What do you do when you feel absolutely helpless?

Because there is nothing you can do while your father, is lying in a hospital bed, hoping && praying that he will wake up in the morning.

What do you do in that point in time?

I cant hold his hand && say that everything is ok,

visiting hours are over.

What do you do when you see your mother crying on the stairs, because shes so scared he wont come back home.

What do you do?

Writing? What is it going to do?

At this point in time, not really much of anything, except maybe lighten my load a tad.

 

The amount of emotions I'm going through, I cant even begin to describe.

Family is family. No matter what.

Family isn't always blood.

 

Helpless. That's the only emotion I can clearly explain.

Because I cant take his pain, I cant take his suffering.

I cant take the tears my mother has cried away, because I don't know how.

I cant take this fear away from my sister, because I'm experiencing it as well.

From the point to when I woke up, to now.

The fear of your father not coming back home.

The fear of your children's grandfather, never taking a step through the front door again.

This fear, is the main emotion.

Its not like I can get a hold of him, he didn't want his phone.

He wanted nothing, but to collect his thoughts, && process everything that is going on.

If this man doesn't come back home, my life, will fall apart.

We've had our spats, every family does, but in the end, we both apologized, && forgave each other.

 

We're a family, always have been && always will be.

 

I honestly have no idea where I was going with this post. I felt like if I tried to talk about it, it would help.

I was once again, wrong.

Because you cant talk about a feeling that you don't understand.

 

I'm done.

 

All I can do is pray that one of the main men in my life, comes back home.

Safely, && better than he was these past few weeks.

 

Good night world. I'm going to clean, or read, in hopes that something will distract me from this thing we call life.

 

 



I'm at this stage ...

I'm at this stage in my life, where everything is just kind of, duh.

Not necessarily duh, per say, but its hard to describe.

Everyone looks at the things I've done in my life, && calls me stupid.

Like I have no reason to sit here && have to apologize nor explain why I did what I did.

its my life, my lessons, my heart, my soul, my story.

I've managed to beat cancer, something my dr was sure of that was going to kill me, but here I am today. I'm going to live everything to the fullest.

well maybe not the fullest, its kind of hard to do that with three jobs && being a newly single mom all over again. 

But its like, "yeah I'm eating a salad at 1 a.m.! why the fuck not?"

or

"yeah I'm doing laundry at 1 a.m.! why the hell not?"

my life.

Was all the tears && shit I dealt with worth it?

to me, no.

but to my kids, id do it all over again. all because they were happy.

I thought I had everything under control, but once again, due to alcohol, another relationship ruined.

There's certain things in life, that cant be fixed, && one of those main things, are people.

They don't change until they want to change.

Once they see how they tore your world apart, maybe then, there is that hope.

But then again, maybe in the back of their minds, they think they can get away with it,

because they did it so many times before.

Idk.

idk how peoples minds work anymore,

idc to know how peoples minds work anymore. I just know I'm running off of two hours of sleep, && I have to leave for work in 3 hours.  

This shit is going to kill me, && with the kids starting school in a week, lets get ready for that.

When someone disappears out of your life, you have to take it as a lesson,

stop trying to chase that person, no matter how much you love or care about them,

if they wanted what they said originally, everything would had been different.

&& yes, that goes for two sides.

Yes I see where I could had been different, or come around to certain topics

with more caution. But would that honestly had helped?

All I can do is wonder now.

There's always three sides to the story.

Mine, has started over.

I didn't want it, nor expect it to. I expected to be able to prove everyone wrong once again.

But fuck!

I figured, yup, I kicked cancers ass, maybe I can do this with one hand tied behind my back.

Hell no, I failed miserably.

&& where is he? Nowhere to be found once again.

There comes a certain time in your adult life, when all you want, is just to be mutual, && that's it.

Because at this point, that's all you can have, or be.

Maybe I'm wrong. Idk.

I'm learning as I go.

I still have a long way to go.

 

But for now, time to unload laundry && get ready for this next work day.

One day, when we're far away from here,

it'll all be worth it.

 

Three against the world.

Forever.