Walking away from it all

Getting that text && sending my scheduled message i had wrote, maybe 6 hours prior to the decision, broke me. Because my message was to be sent this morning. He made his decision tonight. idk how to come about this. Because although i wrote him telling him to pick her, && hes walking away from it all, makes me wonder, can he not decide whom he truly wants?

im broken, sitting here, drinking, crying. theres nothing left to do.
because in the morning i get to explain to a 5 && 4 year old, that mommy && daddy arent together again. That its all over again. That mommy is done with all of this. 

I cant do this, not again. Not after seeing what I did && how i destroyed him. I'm gone. because the girl that once cared, is going to no longer care.

 

**Song for the night**

Sia- Big girls cry

Tough girl
In the fast lane
No time for love
No time for hate
No drama, no time
For games
Tough girl
Whose soul aches

I'm at home
On my own
Check my phone
Nothing, though
Act busy
Order in
Pay TV
It's agony

I may cry, ruining my makeup
Wash away all the things you've taken
I don't care if I don't look pretty
Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking
Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking
Big girls cry when their heart is breaking

Tough girl
I'm in pain
It's lonely at the top
Blackouts and airplanes
I still pour you a glass of champagne
I'm a tough girl
Whose soul aches

I'm at home
On my own
Check my phone
Nothing, though
Act busy
Order in
Pay TV
It's agony

I may cry, ruining my makeup
Wash away all the things you've taken
I don't care if I don't look pretty
Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking
Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking
Big girls cry when their heart is breaking

 https://youtu.be/_735b_urAw4

Alcohol && being broken

Sitting here. in the dark at this point, watching this little line blink.

My hearts been broken all over again.  Im not living like I was 4 years ago. I shouldnt have to wait a week to figure out you truly love her. You dont love me anymore. that stopped forever ago.&& i see it now. I thought that when we were together, you would brag about me like you did her. saying you missed me, or stating that we were indeed together.
but now i see, i'll never be that girl for you anymore.

I'll let the alcohol replace what you stole. What she stole.

because in the end, this is all i have left, a broken heart, memories, alcohol, && broken promises.

I cant chase someone who messed around with someone else. I cant fight for someone who should had let go at the mere sight of her lies, && most importantly, i cant fight for someone who doesnt want to understand the pain. Because I know ive put you through it. Without the exception of sleeping with anyone else but you. 

You know that pain all too well. && since my world fell apart seeing the proof she sent me, I'll just let my world fall apart with alcohol && music. 

Thank you for making me believe I was something. But now I can see the truth, i'll never be good enough. I'll never be her. 

i'll never be your happy ending.



“Do you ever feel that everything is just too much, and you simply cannot deal with it anymore? Nothing is wrong - not really, but somehow nothing feels right either. You think you’re okay but then it’s gone one in the morning, and you’re awake, and thinking yourself into places you should never be, and it seems ridiculous that things could ever get better, because you’re too far gone now, to ever go back.”