So aftr this nvrending battle w//the husband .. I said I was ready to wlk away ..
Evn if he wants to finally strt helping around the house .. evn if shits gonna strt changing .. I feel like I needa do this for myself ..
Because like I've learned .. u can't truely love ((unless it's your children of course )) until u love urself .. && loving myself .. right now .. it is just beyond impossible ..
Living .. not an easy task at this point in time ..
Lying .. not my kinda thing .. not my game .. nothing but unfair ..
Thts all I'm doing these days .. to myself .. to Chris .. to my parents && evryone tht mattrs to me .. but I'd rathr it be tht way ..
This way I don't get treated different ..
This way .. I can hug my boys extra tight at night .. && have them remembr tht love ..
I don't evr want them to forget tht love ..
I don't evr want them to forget me ..
I'm so sick of being told tht I don't care or I don't evr open up .. if anyone were to evr actually see in my head they would eithr spontaneously combust .. or just cry ..
Because evry time I look in the mirror .. I want to smash it .. I want tht girl in the reflection to be dead .. I want tht girl in the mirror to have nvr been born .. because of u .. I hate her
My "fantasy" throughout my entire life btw if u evr read this which I'm sure u will .. was to have a close to perfect husband .. someone who would nvr call me a "cheap whore" just because of makeup .. someone who would want to spend time w//my friends .. && become friends w//my friends .. someone who would nvr lie to me if they knew it would hurt me .. someone who would nvr hurt me on purpose .. or because of an issue they had .. someone who wouldn't hang out w//a girl I didn't like or didn't know .. someone who could help me on a daily basis in some form or fashion .. someone who doesn't just make me feel beautiful on the outside .. but on the inside too .. someone who would nvr cheat .. && someone who would randomly show up from work or w//e w//flowers or something .. just because they fealt lucky to have me ..
But I guess Thts too much to ask for ..
Yea .. I may be hard to handle .. but have u evr thought back to maybe I'm this way because of how I've been treated by u ?? Or wht I've been told by u ??
U could had helped me get ovr my issues a long time ago .. but u didn't .. u only made them worse ..
Hence why if we end .. I don't want anything from anyone .. because I'm not going to go thru tht all ovr again ..
I'm not going to go thru hurt just because u can't tell the truth or because ur a cheater ..
I'm going to work, take care of my boys, && go back to school ..
Because as of the emotional pain .. I'm numb .. for the physical pain .. it's just empty now .. as of me.feeling anything ..
Hmm .. eveything u do or say I question .. wht is there left to fight for ??
Love is unconditional .. but it's not healable once Uve done evrything in the list to tear it apart ..
I'm dying .. maybe not in one swift hit .. but slowly .. I can't even tell u about the blood transfusions because ull get mad ..
The chemo .. hah .. were not evn gonna go there
I love u thru all the stupid bullshit u put me thru .. I just don't think I have the fight in me anymore
I'm sorry ..
Forevr && always
Me
Wht do u do when your "life partner" is anything but honest ??
Wht do u do when ur "husband" slept w//a 17 year old && has let u down time aftr time of swearing they're going to change ..
Wht do u do when ur partner makes more effort to communicate w//the girl he had an affair with .. than to tlk to u
Wht do u do when u kno they smiled more && laughed more than they evr did w//u ??
Wht do u do when u hate looking in the mirror because of them ..
Wht do u do when u have no trust left .. && evryday is a constant battle ..
Wht do u do when u kno there is someone who deserves u .. && u them ..
Wht do u do when u feel like ur being failed on a daily basis ?
Or have a type of fear evrytime they pick up their phone or claim to be looking for cars ??
Wht do u do when Uve lost all hope ??
Wht would u do if u were me ??
I always saw my life .. different .. not the way it is now .. not w//pre-leukemia .. kids .. maybe .. married ?? No .. later yea ..
The past
He makes me remember wht it was to trust someone with everything that u are .. he makes me remember what it was like to actually smile, && remember what it's like to be myself .. what it was like to love .. because aftr him .. I stopped trusting people .. aftr him, I was never treated the same .. I was lied to, cheated on .. && some situations I won't mention in a public blog ..
I always wanted him to be around .. && I still do .. even if it only is as a friend .. because even if it would have lasted .. who's to say shit wouldn't had happened ??
I feel like I'm something with him .. even if it is just a bullshit lie .. but with him, it never was .. but because of what he did, it all as well could be .. but seems as if it isn't .. idk .. I miss him .. I always did .. because he was my first .. && he'll always have that part of me .. as I will always have tht part of him ..
The present
All I've evr been told .. is "ur an amazing woman to him .. ((the "husband")) how do u do it ??" All I do is lie .. && smile .. u honestly have no idea .. to have what was left of ur shattered heart shattered not once or twice.. but countless times, to never have trust again .. never be appreciated .. to wonder && think every single time he picks up that phone .. to clean every single night because u have no help .. with the house .. or kids ..
Its hell .. to be a 22 year old mom .. constantly moving .. rarely resting .. && sick ..
Its not even the pre-leaukemia that gets to me, it's the treatments, its the medicines .. but I don't care what kind it is, or stage .. I'm not getting chemo .. even tho these headaches are getting worse && worse .. there's days where I feel like I can't open my eyes because of the light are killing me.. but I bite my tongue && wear sunglasses all day .. me && aiden turn it into something cool ..
My boys are my backbones .. they are my bone marrow :)
Without them I am nothing .. without them I would have never been nothing ..
They give me the strength I get everyday to smile && move forward ..
The future
The future .. Idk what it holds .. no one does .. there's no reason to jinks it .. I do for a fact kno who I want in it .. I do kno wht direction I want my life to go .. && I do kno tht I want this damn disease out .. I want it gone .. forevr .. not just for me .. but for every little kid, evry human out there ..
I kno I want to feel appreciated && loved .. to get help .. not get some stupid excuse as to why u can't play with the boys or at least pick up one piece of plastic off the floor ..
That's all for now .. it's medicine time ..
I wish u were here .. I need a hug ..
I wish u knew how I really fealt .. because trust me .. u couldn't ruin a marriage that was already ruined ..
Forevr && always,
Me
