When remembering, becomes the path to who you are.

How do you make someone whos never been through anything like you have, understand?

Through therapy, I was re-introduced to something I didn't want to remember. I don't think anyone would.

I would never wish it on anyone.  Do you remember? (because I know you're going to read it) Do you remember driving? me breaking down crying because I didn't want to do what you made me do? I lost a lot that night. part of me being one of the important things.  you broke me. && yet you continue to. day by day without even realizing you're doing it. You made me do things I never imagined myself doing. You turned me into the person I never wanted to become. I lost trust completely. For all people. Even myself. That night, I stopped truly believing in love. For myself && for everyone who came into my life. That was the night that it terrified me to sleep next to you, because I knew I would have to be okay the next day. I was too scared you'd put your hand around my throat in front of our son again. But I couldn't just be okay, I kept crying, I couldn't breath, I thought my heart would pump out of my chest. Because of you I have severe anxiety. But it comes in waves. Some nights I wake up sitting straight up, unable to breath because of nightmares.

Sometimes my world feels like its falling completely apart, when in reality, I'm sitting at the dinner table zoning out. You raped me that night, whether we together or not, I said no. I said I didn't want to. I begged for it all to stop. But you didn't.

It got bad enough to find that we were expecting, but it wouldn't make it. we made it to twenty weeks. only to burn a stillborn baby && keep her ashes. But you. Because of you, because of my terror, because of my trauma, I had to keep it together. But I couldn't. I tried to tell you what you did to me, && you snapped, just like you always did. You swung, && our baby girl, was gone. ashes everywhere. && my crying made it worse. I should had just shut up. maybe it wouldn't had been as bad. Maybe our baby girls ashes wouldn't had been vacuumed up. Maybe her urn wouldn't be broken, in its beautiful purple color.

Thank you for making me remember why purple has always been my favorite color.

I hated you for breaking that urn, for making her ashes fall helplessly to the floor. for making me lose her in the first place.

I don't know who I am anymore because of you. I thought I was this person who gave everyone her all for nothing in the end. But now I'm learning, I was the girl, && still am the girl, who has managed to discover this entire lost part of her. && now I see why my body goes into flight mode the minute you're around, or I hear your voice. My body knows to protect me in so many ways because of you.

My body knows your dangerous, but most importantly, my mind knows when someone is a threat.

Thank you for this road to re-self discovery. I'll keep you along for the ride this time.