Brand new promises

Because ive always been better at writing things than saying them. this is for you.

A promise is something huge to me. It always has been. && it always will be.

A promise is forever, I had to look this up, but apparently I cant give you a promise ring lol.

Because you gave me a ring, I promise to love you even when I hate you. I promise to give it my all before throwing in the towel completely. I promise to try to be understanding when you lose your cool.

Keyword, try.

I promise to be there for you, && to support you, when its a smart decision.

Because admit it, if women weren't ever around, all the men in the world would be extinct.

I promise to annoy the shit out of you, tickling you, poking you, biting && licking you.

For until the day you hate me.

Because lets admit that too, at some point, everyone does.

I promise to relocate my life completely if its what you need from me.

I promise to never question your thinking antics, or question your possibility to be a comedian.

I promise to laugh at the same weird jokes, no matter how many times you tell me.

I promise to not judge you, when you mess up your sentence or studder.

I promise to watch a good calming movie, when you cuddle up to me to watch scary movies.

I promise to not pressure you into anything you don't want to do.

I also promise to not convert you to a hippie.

I promise to never break you, mentally, physically, emotionally, or spiritually.

I promise to attempt to make dinner every night lol.

I promise to love your darkest moments, along with your brightest.

I promise to savor your smile, or that little sparkle in your eye when you talk about something you love.

I promise to never leave you.

Unless it need be.

I promise to have a family with you.

I promise to maintain a home with you.

I promise to get crows feet, white sparkling hair, && random bright moments with you,

for the rest of forever.

This is my promise to you,

because you gave me a promise ring.

This is what I promise.

Plus much more that we're yet to discover about each other.

I love you.

forever && always

to the moon && back

forever && ever.

I promise.

because its four against the world.

Let me explain...

For people who don't understand anxiety; Let me explain it this way.

Imagine running, from seven a.m to 7 p.m. No breaks, no rest, no stops for water. Nothing. Just running.

Eventually, your muscles will give in to exhaustion. But you have to keep running, because its life or death.

Imagine your body being in constant fight or flight mode. Imagine how tiring that would be?

The only reasons I use these excuses, is because I know the physical && mental affects of doing both those things.

Your heart && your mind are on a literal on edge feeling all day. Your mind races constantly. Sometimes of things that aren't even real. They aren't current. Theyre not happening. && I think that's the most draining part of anxiety. Always creating scenarios in your head. Why? Because youre putting your body through the emotional trauma of the scenario you've created in your head, without the actual trauma occurring.

When you have anxiety, simple tasks like talking on the phone, are  impossible. You can hear your heart in your head, your breathing echoes throughout your head. It feels so much like the world is falling apart right in front of you, when in reality its nowhere near it.

Imagine feeling what watching the world fall apart over && over feels like. Imagine what it would feel like every day. every hour. of every second.

Imagine feeling like EVERYONE was going to hurt you. && that the reason they hurt you in the first place, after knowing what you've been through, was because they knew they could get away with it. They knew that you'd take them back anyway. Imagine disconnecting from everyone && everything.

\Imagine that even when you slept, it wasn't comforting, because all you had were nightmares. Imagine constantly shaking, sometimes uncontrollably. Imagine an elephant sitting on your chest, like your ribs were going to break, && that's how you knew an anxiety attack was going to hit. && Imagine that all the time, where every breath you took felt like it was going to be your last.

&& think, people with anxiety deal with this everyday. You know when we've finally snapped when all we can do is cry. Which is where I'm at. && its where I've been for the past two days. Its harder than most people can imagine. Going through something like this every day. Some days are worse than others. But for some reason lately, its leaving me powerless. Which makes me want to do nothing more than push people away. Because I'm either going to hurt them, or like everyone before, they're going to hurt me.

It doesn't matter how many times we're told we're not going to get hurt, that scenario is still there. everyday, of every hour, of every second.

I feel like I'm never going to get better. No matter how many times people say its going to be okay.

But honestly I'd rather them try to make me feel okay, than just leave it there.

To the guy who changed our lives..

From day one, I said you had a pretty face. but whether that face is growing facial hair, or bare, I still like to stare.

I suck with words unless they're in a song, I've always been better at writing them. I consider it a curse, because even sometimes I really appreciate you" is hard to say.

Whether it be making dinner in a rush, giving the boys a shower, even showing them how to ride a bike. its all things I've taken mental notes on. because one day I want to show you how much we love you && appreciate everything you do.

Sometimes I'm just scared the day wont come. because its a legitimate fear that you'll get fed up, or you'll find someone prettier, or better in every way.

But that's not the point right now. Even your little scavenger hunt had me gitty on the inside, because its little things like that, that amaze me about you.

I'm a lot to deal with, trust me I know. But its not always about me getting you things. I do it because idk how to verbalize things. Sadly I never have.

Just getting to hold you at night, is usually the high of my day. I get to wake up at 3 a.m sometimes, && snuggle up to steal your warmth. ((or sweat you out of the bed. whichever happens first)).

I get to have a sleepover every night with my best friend. Because God knows that you know everything going on in my life.

You're my human diary, my secret keeper, my personal favorite human being of all time. && I love you.

Thank you for being that person. Thank you for being my person. Thank you for being our superhero, someone we look up to, an amazing chef ((even if the bread is a little burned sometimes)), my ocd guy, && someone who attempts to keep these heathens in check. Thank you. for being you. For being amazing && sweet. For being loving && caring. we love you for everything you do plus some.

I love you John Dale McFarlin. && don't you ever forget it.

(don't make me regret putting this online either lol)

When remembering, becomes the path to who you are.

How do you make someone whos never been through anything like you have, understand?

Through therapy, I was re-introduced to something I didn't want to remember. I don't think anyone would.

I would never wish it on anyone.  Do you remember? (because I know you're going to read it) Do you remember driving? me breaking down crying because I didn't want to do what you made me do? I lost a lot that night. part of me being one of the important things.  you broke me. && yet you continue to. day by day without even realizing you're doing it. You made me do things I never imagined myself doing. You turned me into the person I never wanted to become. I lost trust completely. For all people. Even myself. That night, I stopped truly believing in love. For myself && for everyone who came into my life. That was the night that it terrified me to sleep next to you, because I knew I would have to be okay the next day. I was too scared you'd put your hand around my throat in front of our son again. But I couldn't just be okay, I kept crying, I couldn't breath, I thought my heart would pump out of my chest. Because of you I have severe anxiety. But it comes in waves. Some nights I wake up sitting straight up, unable to breath because of nightmares.

Sometimes my world feels like its falling completely apart, when in reality, I'm sitting at the dinner table zoning out. You raped me that night, whether we together or not, I said no. I said I didn't want to. I begged for it all to stop. But you didn't.

It got bad enough to find that we were expecting, but it wouldn't make it. we made it to twenty weeks. only to burn a stillborn baby && keep her ashes. But you. Because of you, because of my terror, because of my trauma, I had to keep it together. But I couldn't. I tried to tell you what you did to me, && you snapped, just like you always did. You swung, && our baby girl, was gone. ashes everywhere. && my crying made it worse. I should had just shut up. maybe it wouldn't had been as bad. Maybe our baby girls ashes wouldn't had been vacuumed up. Maybe her urn wouldn't be broken, in its beautiful purple color.

Thank you for making me remember why purple has always been my favorite color.

I hated you for breaking that urn, for making her ashes fall helplessly to the floor. for making me lose her in the first place.

I don't know who I am anymore because of you. I thought I was this person who gave everyone her all for nothing in the end. But now I'm learning, I was the girl, && still am the girl, who has managed to discover this entire lost part of her. && now I see why my body goes into flight mode the minute you're around, or I hear your voice. My body knows to protect me in so many ways because of you.

My body knows your dangerous, but most importantly, my mind knows when someone is a threat.

Thank you for this road to re-self discovery. I'll keep you along for the ride this time.