An opened letter to the man I let destroy me.....

Young and in love, I knew what you were doing was bad but I was too weak to leave. I felt that I deserved what you did to me.

At night I would lie awake wondering if you were really at home sleeping like you said you were, or if you were in another girl's bed. I tried so hard to believe everything you said, hoping that it wouldn't bite me in the ass later. I mean come on! You loved me, right? You would never hurt me.. 

I loved you, I wanted to better myself for YOU. I stopped the drinking, I stopped the drugs... but that never stopped you. I supported your habits with every cent I had just to keep your love. 

I let you get drunk and physically hurt me. I let you get drunk and mentally abuse me.

I would lay awake at night with you next to me wondering what girl you were texting behind my back. I was always wondering what other girl you had falling for your stupid little tricks. 

Years later and I still replay those words in my head every single day, "You're not the girl I fell in love with. I don't want you." 

Pain... over and over and over again. I was never good enough for the guy who was constantly high or drunk. I remember all the times you said you didn't want to be with me anymore and I begged and begged you to stay when I should've let you go. 

Why wasn't I ever good enough for you? Why were the drugs and alcohol so important to you? Why didn't you love me like I loved you? Why couldn't you just love me? Why couldn't you forget about all those bad things and get better? 

I was angry, depressed, and sad. My emotions were all over the damn place. I just never knew how I really felt and what I needed to do to change it. 

I remember having so much faith in you, and just hoping you would change for me. 

Thinking "oh, he won't cheat again. He'll change." I remember locking myself in the bathroom every time you told me you were done, and crying for hours; Taking a razor to my skin, just hoping it would take the pain away that you caused. Why was I letting my life fall to shambles over a guy who never truly loved me? 

I always thought that my love could fix you. That you would change and love me again. I loved you so much I forgot to love myself. I forgot what it was like to feel good, feel happy, feel...safe. 

It took me years to realize that none of this was ever my fault like you always said it was. It was always you. I loved you so much that I was blinded by your harsh words. It took me years to love myself again, and hate you for everything you did to me. Years of depression and anxiety, many nights spent still crying, many nights locked in the bathroom. 

Letting you go was the best thing I could've done for myself, and I can only hope you will never treat another girl like you treated me. 

More so recent ranting && raving

Him. the one who is more careless than anyone than I've ever met.
That's who this is about. The only one who will ever make me know what literal hate feels like.

You have more kids than you deserve. More that you take for granted on a daily basis. Knowing that I have the honor && pleasure of kids who are as amazing as they are on so many levels that youll never know or have the chance of experiencing, makes me so sad for them. Because they deserve nothing but the world plus more to know who their father is. But they don't. && the sad && most hurtful part of all is, their father doesn't care to give them that chance to && as much as hes always tried to pin it on me, its his own fault.

I'm sorry, I didn't know that you couldn't manage your money to save for the court ordered anger management classes that you so desperately need. its been a year sir. stop using it as I get 120 in child support every week from you as an excuse. I'm sorry that, because it has been a year, && you haven't taken your classes like you would have ((if you gave a damn about these kids that you lost any judge approved court  of ever seeing again)) that you just lost the boys permanently. Because sofi got the no order petition dropped. so pissed off or not at the mother ,you STILL could have asked about them on a daily basis. But you didn't, I understand every kid is important, but you see conner, maci, && Shelby whenever you want to, you never got that liberty with the boys, because they are on a strict schedule with things.

You've missed so many amazing football games. you've missed so many emotions the boys have experienced on so many different occasions. the only reason youll know what they personally wanted to be will be through pictures. you wont get to talk to them or hold them during Halloween, John will, John will be there when they go from door to door. He will be the one to help them collect candy && hell be the one inspecting && begging the kids for some of their candy when the nights over. They have a father figure. So please, continue to try to accuse me of stuff I had no control over. aka yourself, because beyond have failed as a father to these little heathens that ive had the honor of raising, feeding, dressing, playing with, learning with, && growing with. You've failed in so many subjects. && I cant wait for them to understand everything. from the terrible things that you've done, to the things that you have neglected. All these kids deserve better.




#thatsit #myhandsareclean #myexhusbandisbeyondaheadache #themanimwithnowiswhoishouldhadmarried #thisdefinesdepressing #thesekidshavetheworldbecauseofhimandi #sorrynotsorry #thetruthhurts

The "new life"

I can definitely tell its something I'm not used to.
none of this is anything I'm used to! I'm so used to yelling at a daily basis. well that's what I used to be used to.
This amazing man I get to call mine, I don't even know how to describe! he works as much as he does, not only to supply my little family with a house, but to make sure the kids dress better than us, && always have what they need.
he works so many hours so that me && him can go on his random dates at these random places, which always turns into an unforgettable memory!
when I'm with him, there are no issues in the world my oldest son is decreasing his meds because hes just naturally becoming a happier kid!
he had this man standing behind the fence with me, to cheer him on for football tryouts!
no amount of words can describe it,

ive given all of me away before, && I regretted that to this day, but I think, maybe, just maybe, this one would be worth giving all of me away to.

after a year && a recent proposal, why not? I know everything there is to know about him. we never fight, hes there when I'm in my moods, he holds me regaurdless whether I want him to or not. hes been there for seizures, me throwing up. hes done my hair for me. given the kids bathed, cooked dinner for us. Like I said, the list goes on.

I don't plan on marrying him anytime soon. trust me, that lesson was learned! the only lesson I'm lacking in life, is the over compassion. That's something Ill always have, it just keeps me away of the stained people in your hearts && lives.

this man has given up so much just to let us live carefully, && safely. there isn't one day where we think we aren't loved. && its the things like that, that remind me, not everyone is terrible out there!!!!

much love,

the lamica && mcfarlin family <3