new posts

new, updates blogs on this wonderful shit show we've called my life!! 

from ex's, recovery, death, random drives to other states, broken hearts, && wandering thoughts.

follow the link!!!


https://beautifullydemolished.blogspot.com/

The best thing I ever did for myself;

I use to wonder what you thought about when you looked up at the sky && saw the stars, or the moon at night, knowing that those were my favorite things to ever look at.

&& then I found myself thinking less && less of you.

I found myself caring less && less.

&& then the truth came out. && I found out,

what I have now, is love. 

Love is unconditional

Love is forgiving

Love is the man I found

Never in my life, have I ever felt as safe,

as complete,

as whole, 

as I do now.

The fact that I no longer have to beg for things like attention,

like love,

for affection, 

is the best feeling in the world.

The fact that I no longer have to beg for my children to be important in this mans life,

is empowering. 

Because I know, in all reality,

He loves them because they are his own.

He supports every decision && dream they've ever had.

He knows every dream && nightmare they've ever had.

Their favorite colors, their "worst enemies," && their best friends.

Because this man values not only the boys mental health, 

but the food that goes in their little bodies.

He cares about their grades, their stories, their projects.

From tucking them in at night, to walking them into school every morning.

He's more than we could have ever prayed for.

But yet, every day, every morning, every night, there he is. 

He celebrates with every victory && even every loss.

He kisses every bit of hurt away.

Whether it be, my kids or me.

Not once has his hands ever touched my kids nor me in a hurtful way.

Not once nor ever will this mans hands, hurt us; physically, mentally, spiritually, or emotionally.

This man is our saving grace. 

&& I cant wait for all of us to spend the rest of our lives with him.

&& as for the rest of the world, it can either grow up && learn where things went wrong. 

OR it can get the hell out, && deal with the fact that for once, we are all happy && complete.

For once, life is perfect.

&& as I sit here && drink my tea, watching the sun rise, getting ready to hold my boys && my love;

i realize, 

I wouldn't have it any other way.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 New International Version (NIV)

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

And in case you're wondering about the new business I'm in......

Have you ever wondered about being off of medication completely?

Coming from someone with severe ptsd, severe anxiety, severe depression, ocd, adhd, addiction issues, insomnia, border personality disorder, an eating disorder, etc. I had so many meds I had to take every morning && night. && when doing so, I had just about every side effect you could ever imagine to come with a medicine. 

I've tried everything, but my favorite was essential oils. Now, its definitely by far && the most amazing shit ever!! CBD OIL! Since its been legal, my children && I are all off of meds. (ask me how)

Hempworx.com/sofiibrew

Thats where you get a bottle. && if instead of first buying a bottle, feel free to message me about samples, or the team that I am now a part of.

Thanks to those of you who actually do give a damn && take time out of your super busy life to read. I love you all  :)

I feel like its going to do nothing but get better from here.....

Ever since I started this lovely little journey called life, I've been a mother, a daughter, a wife, an addict, a survivor, a winner, a loser. Ive been fat, skinny, sick, healthy. I've been it all. 

& it wasn't until recently I realized that it can do nothing but go up from here! 

When you get away from a man who never cared for you like he claimed, you go through a lot! Whether it be denial, heartache, relapse, whatever the journey, its there. 

Its been almost three whole solid years of me literally beating myself up for all the stupid shit I've done in my life. Especially after those previous years.

You try being broken beyond repair. You try getting beat, && almost killed by someone you thought loved you. && then I want you to try on for size, what it feels like, to again fall into their trap, their lie, just like all the other girls did, when hes happily with someone.

It wasn't until my conscience broke through yelling, "HEY DUMB ASS!!! REMEMBER BEFORE? REMEMBER MEGAN? REMEMBER ALICIA? your just the side girl, like they were. the secret that he doesn't want to show off. Just like every time before."

It wasn't until then, i realized, i have the entire world in my hands! WHY THE FUCK WOULD I GO BACK TO THAT?!?

I have an amazing man who I'm planning life with! I have two beautiful boys that he claims as his. I've helped so many people working at this rehab. I'm continuing to help people everyday in the business I'm not conducting. This is all I've ever wanted to do! && everyday I have to keep asking myself, what was I thinking? To look that far back & think that's what I needed?

Life has a funny way of working. && everyday I'm looking more && more forward to it. 

Everyday is a journey. Everyday is an adventure. Take everyday like its your last.

That's the best advice I could ever give any. Because that's what i live for. 

Brand new promises

Because ive always been better at writing things than saying them. this is for you.

A promise is something huge to me. It always has been. && it always will be.

A promise is forever, I had to look this up, but apparently I cant give you a promise ring lol.

Because you gave me a ring, I promise to love you even when I hate you. I promise to give it my all before throwing in the towel completely. I promise to try to be understanding when you lose your cool.

Keyword, try.

I promise to be there for you, && to support you, when its a smart decision.

Because admit it, if women weren't ever around, all the men in the world would be extinct.

I promise to annoy the shit out of you, tickling you, poking you, biting && licking you.

For until the day you hate me.

Because lets admit that too, at some point, everyone does.

I promise to relocate my life completely if its what you need from me.

I promise to never question your thinking antics, or question your possibility to be a comedian.

I promise to laugh at the same weird jokes, no matter how many times you tell me.

I promise to not judge you, when you mess up your sentence or studder.

I promise to watch a good calming movie, when you cuddle up to me to watch scary movies.

I promise to not pressure you into anything you don't want to do.

I also promise to not convert you to a hippie.

I promise to never break you, mentally, physically, emotionally, or spiritually.

I promise to attempt to make dinner every night lol.

I promise to love your darkest moments, along with your brightest.

I promise to savor your smile, or that little sparkle in your eye when you talk about something you love.

I promise to never leave you.

Unless it need be.

I promise to have a family with you.

I promise to maintain a home with you.

I promise to get crows feet, white sparkling hair, && random bright moments with you,

for the rest of forever.

This is my promise to you,

because you gave me a promise ring.

This is what I promise.

Plus much more that we're yet to discover about each other.

I love you.

forever && always

to the moon && back

forever && ever.

I promise.

because its four against the world.

Let me explain...

For people who don't understand anxiety; Let me explain it this way.

Imagine running, from seven a.m to 7 p.m. No breaks, no rest, no stops for water. Nothing. Just running.

Eventually, your muscles will give in to exhaustion. But you have to keep running, because its life or death.

Imagine your body being in constant fight or flight mode. Imagine how tiring that would be?

The only reasons I use these excuses, is because I know the physical && mental affects of doing both those things.

Your heart && your mind are on a literal on edge feeling all day. Your mind races constantly. Sometimes of things that aren't even real. They aren't current. Theyre not happening. && I think that's the most draining part of anxiety. Always creating scenarios in your head. Why? Because youre putting your body through the emotional trauma of the scenario you've created in your head, without the actual trauma occurring.

When you have anxiety, simple tasks like talking on the phone, are  impossible. You can hear your heart in your head, your breathing echoes throughout your head. It feels so much like the world is falling apart right in front of you, when in reality its nowhere near it.

Imagine feeling what watching the world fall apart over && over feels like. Imagine what it would feel like every day. every hour. of every second.

Imagine feeling like EVERYONE was going to hurt you. && that the reason they hurt you in the first place, after knowing what you've been through, was because they knew they could get away with it. They knew that you'd take them back anyway. Imagine disconnecting from everyone && everything.

\Imagine that even when you slept, it wasn't comforting, because all you had were nightmares. Imagine constantly shaking, sometimes uncontrollably. Imagine an elephant sitting on your chest, like your ribs were going to break, && that's how you knew an anxiety attack was going to hit. && Imagine that all the time, where every breath you took felt like it was going to be your last.

&& think, people with anxiety deal with this everyday. You know when we've finally snapped when all we can do is cry. Which is where I'm at. && its where I've been for the past two days. Its harder than most people can imagine. Going through something like this every day. Some days are worse than others. But for some reason lately, its leaving me powerless. Which makes me want to do nothing more than push people away. Because I'm either going to hurt them, or like everyone before, they're going to hurt me.

It doesn't matter how many times we're told we're not going to get hurt, that scenario is still there. everyday, of every hour, of every second.

I feel like I'm never going to get better. No matter how many times people say its going to be okay.

But honestly I'd rather them try to make me feel okay, than just leave it there.

To the guy who changed our lives..

From day one, I said you had a pretty face. but whether that face is growing facial hair, or bare, I still like to stare.

I suck with words unless they're in a song, I've always been better at writing them. I consider it a curse, because even sometimes I really appreciate you" is hard to say.

Whether it be making dinner in a rush, giving the boys a shower, even showing them how to ride a bike. its all things I've taken mental notes on. because one day I want to show you how much we love you && appreciate everything you do.

Sometimes I'm just scared the day wont come. because its a legitimate fear that you'll get fed up, or you'll find someone prettier, or better in every way.

But that's not the point right now. Even your little scavenger hunt had me gitty on the inside, because its little things like that, that amaze me about you.

I'm a lot to deal with, trust me I know. But its not always about me getting you things. I do it because idk how to verbalize things. Sadly I never have.

Just getting to hold you at night, is usually the high of my day. I get to wake up at 3 a.m sometimes, && snuggle up to steal your warmth. ((or sweat you out of the bed. whichever happens first)).

I get to have a sleepover every night with my best friend. Because God knows that you know everything going on in my life.

You're my human diary, my secret keeper, my personal favorite human being of all time. && I love you.

Thank you for being that person. Thank you for being my person. Thank you for being our superhero, someone we look up to, an amazing chef ((even if the bread is a little burned sometimes)), my ocd guy, && someone who attempts to keep these heathens in check. Thank you. for being you. For being amazing && sweet. For being loving && caring. we love you for everything you do plus some.

I love you John Dale McFarlin. && don't you ever forget it.

(don't make me regret putting this online either lol)