Im back .. Not in love, not in lust .. Just .. Alone ..
Id rather it be tht way .. Im living with "him" . ((Not my best idea)) considering the house we live in .. Has no central heating, so constant floor heaters are a must .. ((Literally 4 of them in a living room, one in the boys room because their room stays fairly warm))
Since then weve gained custody of two step kids .. Half custody anyway .. Every other week ..
&& right now .. Its sleeting .. Everyones asleep .. && im sitting here, drinking my green tea, watching this fake heater give off an illusion of wht it refered to as "3-d fire" && listening to the ice hit the roof .. Hoping jr wont wake up with another nightmare ..
Hes had a lot of those lately .. && they arent the normal cuddle extra close to mommy because im scared nightmares .. Theyre the "scream && wake up the entire neighborhood" nightmares .. Nightmares he doesnt wake up from && when he does, hes completely oblivious as to why he isnt in bed ..
It scares me ..
Since my last rants && raves, ive aquired a new puppy whom wont leave my side, so i decided to name her shadow .. The boys && her are my escape to my lonliness .. && honestly .. I never realized how bittersweet it is to be alone .. Relationship wise ..
Theres times where i wanna be held .. && times where i remember all the fucked up shit hes put me thru .. && want to run from thr world ..
Right now at this point in time, i want it to be christmas, for the kids to open their gifts .. && to hold my boys .. Next to this fake ass fire with hot chocolate in our cups ..
For now .. Im done .. I have a headache the size of kansas .. && i gotta be up early in the morning ..
Aloha to the non-existant readers .. && goodnight
