Sex sells ..

I'm so sick of the social media. . U all wonder why the hell us women are constantly degrading ourselves. . Its cause of the bullshit tht we constantly see. . In movies, games. . Etc. .

Men wonder why women are constantly wanting plastic surgery ?? Its so we can look like the shit tht turns y'all assholes on so fucking much. .

There's enough issues with the entire eating disorder. . But guess not to the nation, cause if ur not a size 2-3 then in their eyes,  your fat. .

&& u
. U kno who u are because I kno ur reading this. . U really wonder why the fuck I hate myself ?? Turn on ur goddamn god of war III .. let me kno the second saved session is. . For someone who's supposed to not be into anime. . U sure are into video game characters having sex. .

So I'm sorry I don't look like the fucking goddess in the goddamn game, but trust me. . Ur not gonna touch me again until I do. . && U fucking wonder .. hmmmm. . Reality check. . Eithr strt respecting a fucking woman's body. . Or lose me to someone who will. .

Women's bodies are supposed to be fucking sacred. . For ONE MAN. .. or woman. . Howevr tht goes. . Not a fuckin million. . Thanks for nothing social media. . Ima go begin my eating disorder now

The usual fatigued, emotionally drained girl who looses herself in music ..

I was challenged a week or so ago to try to remember all the things tht made me the way i am today

((a process tht ended with me just sitting in the passengers seat crying silently to myself))

anyway .. my past is wht made me wht i am today ((obviously))
but one person who i thought i was supposed to trust for the rest of my life .. because he was family ..
i dont remember wht exactly happened ..

but i do remember this;;

he showed up at school asking if i wanted to hang out .. i didnt wanna be at school, rebel days ya kno ??
he was family, so i said yea .. i walked outta school like usual .. me, 8th grade at the time, && him, early twenties with no job && i guess nothing to do ..
we walked to his house laughed && talked about the family like we usually did ((the drama, the disputes, the holidays soon approaching)) 
i thought nothing of it .. we got to his house, walked in, he offered me a drink .. i took it, hes family .. didnt think anything of it ..
it tasted weird but i wasnt going to fight against it .. it was good at the time ..
its now the reason i cant drink orange juice with vodka .. because i found out that is exactly what it was ..
moving on .. 
we sat down in the living room, me drinking in this awesome drink he gave me watching underworld .

&& him, just sitting there .. i started getting sleepy .. so i told him id take a nap .. wlked to his extra bedroom && layed down .. 

i fealt like my head was spinning, he came in, asked if i was ok, i couldnt even sit up ..
&& thts when shit went downhill ..
i remember him laying down next to me, trying to feel places .. 
&& picking me up && making me sit on him .. 

from then, idr anything except brian, my othr cousin, his best friend//roomate at the time, 
i remember him coming in, yelling, me falling, him swinging grabbing me && running ..

he took me back to school
wth happened i dont remember, i remember being back at school, brian saying he was going to call mom && tell her wht happened && i didnt know what to think so i just said ok .. 

i couldnt stop getting sick at school tht day, && i ended up being sent home because i had no color to my face, && acted like i was in a state of shock ..
mrs torris ((the fave back then)) said i kept crying in her class .. idr it ..


i just know i was in so much trouble aftr that .. i had so many drs appts aftr tht day ..
&& idk why .. part of me wants to ask him wtf he did to make me hate the male race && have trust in no one ..
&& part of me wants to just let it go && not relive tht time .. my brains shut it down for a reason, whethr that be when my p.t.s.d started ,.. or earlier when emily happened

idk

ive just known he was the reason i never wanted to be physically touched again ..

hes part of the reason i lash out && shut down for periods of time .. because aftr that day, i didnt tlk for roughly about 2 months almost ..
&& it took a nightmare to even remember any of this ..


am i crazy ?? for not wanting to revisit that?? or am i sane for just closing it off ??
 
idk anymore
part of me wants to know .. but it feels like if i kno .. thatll be it ..
cause i wont be able to take it

((below is the song of the night, just cause im in a i wanna lash out && break shit kinda night .. just a mood due to the post traumatic stress syndrome kicking in))




 http://youtu.be/oVo8g7T39A4